Poem Body
After mammy died, my brother wasn't my brother.
He crawled inside himself, but never found her.
The demons left him in the dark. The drugs worked.
The highs eased his mourning,
The lows crippled him,
belly on the ground, a beaten dog.
He grew secretive, withdrawn, those glassy eyes,
staring, unable to communicate, without substances.
He had to be left alone, as his shattered mind,
consumed him,
by seconds, minutes, hours.
I look into my hands, the loss I held, and wonder,
was recovery possible?
Drugs allowed a fragment of peace,
he found his when he died.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "ADDICT" effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey the tragic narrative of addiction. The use of animalistic descriptions, such as "belly on the ground, a beaten dog," paints a vivid picture of the protagonist's struggle, creating a strong emotional response in the reader.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The current structure, while free verse, appears somewhat disjointed and can disrupt the flow of the narrative. Experimenting with line breaks and stanza structure might enhance the readability and rhythm of the piece.
The poem also tends to tell more than it shows. For example, "He grew secretive, withdrawn, those glassy eyes, staring, unable to communicate, without substances." This line could be reworked to show these characteristics through actions or dialogue, rather than directly stating them.
The ending line, "he found his when he died," is a powerful conclusion, but it might have a greater impact if it was built up to more gradually. The sudden mention of death might catch readers off-guard, which could either enhance or detract from the emotional impact depending on the reader.
Lastly, the poem could delve deeper into the speaker's emotions and reactions. The line, "I look into my hands, the loss I held, and wonder," is a good start, but further exploration of the speaker's feelings could add another layer of depth to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Very powerful
This was a very powerful, emotive and descriptive look into the transformation when one becomes addicted. I only recently became aquatinted with someone who suffered from addiction and passed away while trying to detox on her own. It was nothing like I had ever seen before. She was a mom, a daughter, beloved neice and friend to many who tried to assist in a recovery for her. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. I wouldn't change anything.
Thank you
It was the loss at such a young age for both. Mammy was 39, my brother was 29. She died from cancer and he died because he became an addict. Both sadly missed every day xxx
Ruby
I can't even begin to imagine how awful that was for you. Thank you for sharing your experiences and turning them into meaningful poetry.
Addict
Hello, Ruby,
I feel the pain and torment in every word, and hear the deep thoughts of silence. If this is a reality for you, I hope writing this has helped bring about some peace.
Well done,
L
It seems so long ago, now I
It seems so long ago, now I smile when I think of both of them and remember them with love and fondness. Thank you xxx
Thank you
Hi Mark, thank you for your comments and for reading. Over time the memories become more focussed on key events. It's those human touches and the little things that fade. I do my best to keep them with me. xxx
Ruby Lord
Dear Ruby,
I am allowing myself to feel a little for this
situation. I am so sorry, it must still be burdensome
to carry. I hope that the day treats you kindly and that
you know that people are and were thinking of you.
It was not easy to deal with
It was not easy to deal with at the time, and it brought up so many issues. My brother was the baby in the family, he is still dearly missed. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Ruby :) xx
Relief?
I would love to help, but I know that I cannot offer anymore aide
other than to say I'm sorry. I understand this situation very well.
Thank you, I think writing
Thnak you, I think writing this one was in some ways a release. It was almost 30 years ago now. I'm ok now. I like to imagine we talk to each other, I do talk to him when I am staring out of my kitchen window. Ruby :) xx
Friends!
You certainly have a number of people who feel
deeply for you and you have touched many lives.
Thank you xx
Thank you xx
Dear Ruby,
I had a very close friend whom I lost to addiction of "H". I watched her completely lose herself in the spiraling down to dregs losing her humanity. I tried everything I could think of to help her find her way back from prostitution and addiction. but the drugs won in the end and I was devastated by the loss of her beautiful soul. your poem is very poignantly meaningful to me! Great but horrific title. you express your feelings in the story of this tragic piece of life and death...
*love, Cat
Thanks Cat, addiction is
Thanks Cat, addiction is unbearable for the victims, their families and friends. I'm sure there are more addicts than we will ever know and only learn about on their deaths.
We tried everything but were unable to help him. The addiction had affected his heart and no one knew until it was too late. Ruby xx