Poem Body
Man!
I see you
in the beauty of
the super moon,
in summer's boons,
and in the evergreens.
I see you
in the strength
of the water falls,
in thunder's sound,
and in the storms.
I see you
in the softness
of the snow flakes,
in May's buds,
and in autumn's tumbling leaves.
I see you
differently
in different moons,
because
you are human!!
Comments
hello
This would be So easy to turn into a rhyming poem. And even easier into a morphing one. But that would be asking one to conform to my style so I'll just let it go. Because I'm human lol. .........stan
lol
You are indeed!
Thanks for the visit Stan.
Hi Rula
Obviously this is about omnipresence of God all around us in various forms. To avoid repetition of "see" in all verses, how about replacing it with "hear" in second and "find" in third?. I also feel it would lift the poem and its flow even more if you re-work on the concluding verse. Just my thoughts. listen to what our accomplished. poets have to say....I liked the theme for sure..
Regards,
Raj
It's rather more how I visualize the human being if you get what I mean. I know there could be some ambiguity until the closing lines where diversity shows clear in us as humans.
Does that make sense?
Oh I got it wrong.Regards,
Oh I got it wrong. Does it mean that you are co-relating "Living" with those natural elements? I am a bit confused now.
Regards,
something close dear raj
Sometimes the human nature resembles the natural elements in its strengths and weaknesses.
Sorry, I feel like l've completely failed conveying the message I wanted.
No . Rula I don't think you
No . Rula I don't think you have failed completely in conveying the message. I liked the theme. Perhaps there is some missing link which would chain all your thoughts. Just wit till others comment. Perhaps you will find a clue in their comments. I too will try and let you know if i can contribute something worthwhile.
Regards,
Can you feel
any improvement dear raj? Or does ambiguity still prevail?
Rula
With those tweaks by beginning with "Man: and revisions made in the concluding portions this now relates well with what you intended it to be. Well done...
Regards,
raj
Your thoughtful comment helped indeed in improving.
Regards.
Rula
Good to know that sharing some thoughts did help. That's why we are here isn't that true? even though sometimes the suggestions help at other times they may not, what is good is that there is an openness.
You were supposed to be on a vacation..isn;t it? then what are you doing here? go have fun...:)
Regards,
Raj
My vacation will not start before 25th. But I am preparing few things at the moment.
Thank you and best regards.
Hi Rula
Oh okay. I had thought you are already on vacation. Not sure though if you would be able to resist the temptation of logging into Neopoet even during your vacation :)
Happy holidays,
Cyclic
the comparison of man like nature
is presented strongly throughout
and the love
respect of its aspects
is clear....
supermoon
the light...mood
our eye drawn to this
and others comments
in their voice
I tended to be guarded
and judgemental
avoidance
ego driven as a male
but it was females
who always kept
the empathy
not always many
males also do
but they have strong
females behind them
the tree might and
strong and interesting
lets go its leaves in
fall....up close examined
in the hand
it is softer..delicate
fallen
yet no more unimportant
and equally in its place
i struggle with that
but lately hearing this
more
I am here not from
springing forth of
my own..
someone started me
showed me how to write
read me books
taught me computers
and poetry then
i forget that
I love the moon
calmed me as a child
and still when I remember
although busy
to get out
more and more
I greatly like this poem!
Thank You!
thank you Steve
It pleases me to know that this brought you some piece.
It is what we aim to when we write, don't we?
Hi Rula
I think you have done a great job here Rula. I read it before the edit and I think you have greatly improved it. I can feel passion, strength and gentleness all wrapped up in the nature of humans.
Nicely done :)
Love Mand xxxxx
Thank you dear
Mand for your kind visit.
Much appreciated.
Hi Rula
I see you have posted this to the workshop now in order to garner some alternative ways of stating what you want to convey. I see some places where a few minor changes might be introduced but let's wait and see what your assigned "partner has to say..........stan PS I could PM you some ideas but don't change anything yet
Hi Rula
I see you have posted this to the workshop now in order to garner some alternative ways of stating what you want to convey. I see some places where a few minor changes might be introduced but let's wait and see what your assigned "partner has to say..........stan PS I could PM you some ideas but don't change anything yet