Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Oct 23, 2023
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week October 22nd to October 28th 2023 🏆 Winner

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Bliss (edited)

Poem Body

Bliss

most of all, I miss our mingled laughter...

traveling the telephone lines,
banishing the many miles
the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.

indelible memory;
your eyes the color of wood-smoke.
your envisioned smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: thanks, Geez!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Bliss" presents a clear narrative of longing and reminiscence, using vivid imagery and sensory details to convey emotion.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. For instance, the phrase "wood-smoke eyes" is a unique and evocative image, but it may be unclear to some readers what exactly this is intended to convey. Is it a color, a feeling, a memory? Providing a bit more context could help clarify this.

Similarly, the phrase "your envisioned smile took me to an elevated state of bliss" could be reworked for clarity and impact. The use of the word "envisioned" suggests a memory or imagination, but it's not entirely clear whose perspective is being represented here - is it the speaker imagining the other person's smile, or the other person imagining the speaker's?

The poem also uses the metaphor of telephone lines to represent distance and communication. This is a strong and effective image, but it could be developed further. For example, the poem could explore the limitations of this form of communication, or contrast it with the more immediate and intimate forms of connection that the speaker misses.

Overall, the poem effectively communicates a sense of longing and nostalgia, but could benefit from more precise and evocative language, as well as a deeper exploration of its central metaphors.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

I have those I miss; the ones that made my day
the ones that, while not bliss, were a part of my feel-good
experience. I thought that you captured the thought perfectly!
Only criticism is that I would have left out the [of]
"the abyss of distance does the line justice."

~Geez.
.

Candlewitch

thanks for reading and offering me your treasured advice. I see what you are saying and will change it.

when we were a young couple, Steve used to travel for work. usually only a few days gone. he phoned me every night and it got me through... then we moved to Colorado for a new job. I had to stay behind wrapping up business and the house rental. he was a month gone, but I wrote him a letter a day.

*love, Cat

Geezer

story, I am glad to see that you guys are still going strong!
~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

we met at ages 29 & 30. the spark between us made for a strong and steady fire. he was my first love, in 10 years. he thought I was too independent. he was nurturing and tender. it took awhile but I finally dropped my guard and let him in. it was a closeness like i had never known before. he is my hero. we trust each other enough to fight like cats!

thank you Gee for reading and commenting. I always appreciate your critique and thoughts on my poems.

*love, Cat

Unca Fez

Those calls were the highlight of my day during the time we spent apart while I was in Colorado. You were my only link to my life; what I had there was no life at all, renting a room in a house partitioned by sheets. Those calls kept me sane.

Those were the days before cell phones. The phone was in a closet off the main hall. I remember huddling in it, wishing I were somewhere else.

Thank you for reminding me that you were my savior.

Candlewitch

do not forget the letters I sent...one a day written every night. I tried so hard to be there for you with my silly letters. what became of them? do you remember? those were such trying times.

* love, Cat

RoseBlack

One that I miss. Days they seemed to know when I needed a call and not a text. Their voice was everything. It made the distance seem less. You have conveyed these feelings so elegantly and clearly. Well done!

Unca Fez

Congratulations on winning the poem of the week contest. I am always in awe at the way words seem to flow from you. A well deserved win.

Candlewitch

thank you! usually, when I talk, I trip over the words. I have always been able to make better sense when I write. thanks for the inspiration!

*hugs, Cat

William Lynn

Hi Cat,

Love the poem.

Without memories, both good and bad, what do we have when the present isn't quite enough?

Thanks for the memories! - Will

nokros

and daring, simultaneously. speaks to the heart.