The Bright Moon
The silver moon stands,
alone in the night sky
as clouds drift away
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Original :-
The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to
Masaoka Shiki
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Okay.
Like how am I supposed to critique this? You know me and haiku.
I fear I like the language structure better in the original, but truly I cannot tell the difference.
Wes
I wish I can tell you but I'm clueless as you. However chrys has given a good one.
Alid
Alid
you followed the technical rules of a Haiku to the letter
but in re writing
1- ,much of the original wording still remains
2- you almost lost the idea of the poem itself
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try this on
The radiant moon
puzzled by where they have gone
to where have they flown
or something like that
give it another stab
I love writing Haiku
chrys
a question. so do I have to change the title too?
Alid
chrys
what's the difference between haiku and senryu?
chrys
what's the difference between haiku and senryu? I thought haiku has a "human touch " to it but I can't find it in the example you gave. perhaps you can point it out? mmmm. I admit that I am a bit struggling with this.
Alid
Alid
any more in this age they are pretty much interchangeable
one used to pertain to nature the other objects
Haiku now deals with the elements of nature
so I would think my Haiku meets that criteria I could be wrong. So much in writing has evolved in this modern time
in the spirit of the workshopp, Alid,
I think you could have used some modern lingo.
Jess
such as? Remember English isn't my native tongue and the people I know around me speaks more singlish than english.
Alid
To be really crass about it (this is NOT a suggestion)
emoticon smiles
where is that intimacy
gone like sentiment
oh, traditionally haiku and senryu do not have titles.
I agree
that you have lost the original idea of the poem.... where have what gone?
I think using a haiku was your downfall here ... there's so little to work with
Love judy
xxx
Hi alid
The original is beautiful. A master for sure. It is really hard to recreate this. It is not traditional Japanese haiku or senyru 5/7/5. I know many poets don't do traditional Japanese and have written from their own perspective. It's ok bc I notice the original 3/6/3
Like Jess says haiku and senyru don't really have titles. As for this original it's a mixture of haiku and senyru. I'm wondering where the clouds are flying off to makes it senyru as a person is telling the story n
Original :-
The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to
Masaoka Shiki
To make it a haiku, not going by tradition, I might say
The sliver moon
is standing still in mid heaven
clouds flying off
Hi Barbara
in the japanese language it is the usual 5/7/5. The one portrayed here is the translated version in English. I've done some edits. The exercise is to rewriite the master's poem in a more modern way. Tell me what you think.
Alid
Hi Alidzain
I think it's beautiful and well written. I think you captured what chrys wanted. I'll need her approval to say that lol.
The Bright Moon
The silver moon stands,
alone in the night sky
as clouds drift away
Original :-
The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to
Masaoka Shiki
Good haiku here. Since the original is not strict Japanese format but 3/6/3 and we're doing modern poem.
It's chrys workshop so I'm looking to hear what she think of my critique on your haiku and if she agree or not. It's just what I think based on what I understand from the comments here and the syllabus instruction correct.
thanks Barbara. Alid
thanks Barbara.
Alid
Alizarin
I this the revision is beautiful and it had pass the taste of the English version I think. I have no suggestions as it flows well by me. It is haiku in my opinion.
Late again
You might notice the original contains a subtle "twist" ,which I am given to understand, most good Haiku do. Your poem lacks this but a very few minor changes could fix that. Enjoyable read nonetheless..........stan
Stan
I'll think about it. Right now I'm abit tired so I'm gonna rest.
Alid