I was just here yesterday.
Yet it feels so far away
Lost in the conception of a day
The birth of what I call today
The abandon child of the past
Meeting the orphan, the outcast
A current dilemma moving fast
Extricating my anxiety which is vast
Considering reactions in a mistaken place
Pain which can never be wrapped in lace
Obscuring every rejoinder without a trace
As if being struck with the power of a mace
Understanding that the here and now
Is where I kneel and bow
In search of the proper Tao
Wondering whether or not to vow
A God I do not see or hear
To some hidden entity I will not endear
Because of fire and brimstone I should fear
In the eye is a condemnation tear.
Long before it began there was just pain
That came down on me like burning rain
I learned to let it flow down the drain
And realize all I did was in vain.
Comments
oh bleak
but great to see you Eddie.
A brave construct, the insistent stanza rhyme, you manage it, just, it could have sounded forced.
"Yesterday In Vain" or even "God In Vein", just some thoughts.
A strong piece.
Jess,
Thanks, I like "Oh Bleak" for me that kind of suit the write.
I want to wait on maybe other titles.
Thanks for visiting it is always good to read your candid remarks.
Fast Eddie C.
Lost
Maybe?
That's the first impression after I've finished reading this Eddie.
Loved the rhyme scheme.
Rula,
Lost is a good title, but the point of it is how it was,
I fought against feelings, that I just had to let run through me,
so as to have understanding of the reality that the pain of the moment was where I would learn about myself. So yes there was a feeling of being lost, but the fact was that I had to see it in the moment. I had to stand outside of it to see it. So all my fighting it was in vain. What I learned about myself was monumental in my own self healing, realizing that I was lost on longer, but stronger for going through it. Every answer was already in me.
Thanks so much and I will be considering your title suggestion...
Eddie C.
Hmmm.......
Adrift?.............stan
Stan,
how are you old man?
Everyone of these suggestion are very good, it show me the perspective that it is being read in.
the title decision is getting harder, I thought it would be cut and dry. guess I was wrong.
Thanks for the read or maybe name it "Hmmm..." Lmao!
Eddie C.
Hi Eddie
Conveys the bleak mood effectively..how about Burn Out?
Regards,
raj,
Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.
Eddie C.
raj,
Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.
Eddie C.
raj,
Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.
Eddie C.
raj,
Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.
Eddie C.
raj,
Well, interesting?
will think on that one.
Thanks always a pleasure to hear from you.
Eddie C.
I hate when this happens, the response duplicates. sorry to all "run away fingers"
an interesting form
and very hard to pull off. I agree with the first comment. I think when doing a single rhyme quatrain if all the rhymes are direct it starts to sound forced. Sometimes putting in a slant rhyme helps break that up. Also in such a poem the meter becomes urgent to be exact, as the brain starts to create a pace, a flow, and if the meter is off it's like we loose a beat. This happens most with this type of poem, more than an abab or the like.