I’m stopping at the station, to hop a train departing,
Let it take me to the distance of my mind, far away.
I’ll stare and soak in scenery, the sounds of stop and starting,
To marvel at great cities and rare wildlife on display.
As I breathe in stealthy silence, we judder over tracks,
And every signal features a new place on the side.
I gape in humble gratitude, as I become relaxed,
As passengers' journeys are bound on this ride.
As time slows, it takes me, far from strife and worries,
And I look to where I’ve been, owning each event.
The train continues onwards, the horn blares, it hurries,
Until the ride stops and leads to my final descent.
I clamber down the steps to a platform of eerie silence,
And consider a fresh route to still my mind.
For we travel to the future, so easy our compliance,
When footprints leave your past, in distance far behind.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Catch the Next Train" effectively uses the metaphor of a train journey to explore themes of travel, introspection, and the passage of time. The use of sensory language and imagery is commendable, as it helps to create a vivid picture of the journey and the changing landscapes.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. In some lines, the rhythm is disrupted due to extra syllables or a shift in stress patterns. For instance, in the line "Amongst passenger’s journey bound upon this ride," the rhythm is somewhat disrupted. Consider revising for smoother flow.
The poem could also benefit from a more focused exploration of its themes. Currently, the themes of travel, introspection, and time are somewhat muddled together. By focusing more clearly on one theme or by more clearly delineating the shifts between themes, the poem could gain greater depth and coherence.
Lastly, the poem could use more show than tell. For example, instead of stating "I gape in humble gratitude, as I become relaxed," show the reader how the speaker becomes relaxed. This could be done through describing physical sensations, thoughts, or actions. This would make the emotional journey of the speaker more engaging for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Dear Ruby,
In this line:
I want to stop at the station, hop (on) a train departing,
this word is not really necessary, unless you are going for syllable count. The word "judders" is new to me and quite descriptive. I will have to remember it ;) I like your title and rhyming pattern. Your language usage is quite stimulating. My favorite lines are:
I clamber down the steps onto a platform of eerie silence,
And consider the next step on route to ease my mind.
For we travel to the future giving easily our compliance,
As every step we take leaves our past, distant and behind.
especially the last two lines!
*hugs, Cat
Thank you Cat, that's the
Thank you Cat, that's the English part of me.
And thank you for highlighting the verse, when I read it in isolation I realised how many times I'd used the word step. Doh and there's me going on about repetition, I didn't see it at all.
All sorted now. Have a great evening, and thank you for reading and your comments. Ruby :) xx
LOL, Ruby
the English part of me is all screwed up. But then the Irish and Scottish parts, do not help for clarity, lol!
*Hugs, Cat
This made me
Think of the train scene in White Christmas and when they get off in Vermont...all the scenery...no snow...just a destination of parts unknown. Well done.
Hey Carrie,
Steven and I watch that film every year at Christmas time!
*hugs, Cat
Hi RoseBlack, thank you for
Hi RoseBlack, thank you for reading and making a comment. I'm glad it sparked a memory in you. Take care, Ruby :) xx
Hi Ruby Lord
...so much to pick at in this poem from a Canadian english raised point of view. I'm not sure of the enunciation differences in the english you use here, but I can't imagine it can be so different, so here goes...
The metre is the first thing that struck me, seeming haphazard, but I can't say you are looking for perfect metre in a critique...but, I will say the line I like best metrically is
"I’ll stare and soak in scenery, the sounds of stop and starting" which is sing-songy. I struggle to find consistency throughout the poem, basically.
S2,L2 is a nice line, too, but would be better written
"And every signal highlights new locations on the side" and has steady metre also.
Lastly, I might have started the poem with
"l'm stopping at the station, to hop a train departing" which is neutrally metrical. The comma acts like the hinge of a see-saw.
Let that be a start, if you will, and I'll wait for more direction if you want further opinion.
Thomas
Hi Triskelion, thank you for
Hi Triskelion, thank you for your feedback. It was great feedback and I appreciate you taking the time to tell me where I could do better.
I'm always happy to take advice as often I can't reconise where I haven't got it right. I would love to hear your further opinions on this poem. Always happy to learn and use what I learn from others. I'll take your advice but wait to amend my poem when you've suggested anymore changes. Thank you Ruby :) xx
Hi Ruby
..so, my advice would be to first decide if you want consistent metre throughout and if so, pick a line that appeals to you and suits the mood you want to convey...people have so many moods..lol. Expression in the metre will often help convey that mood.
Write the line as such:
my WORLD is FALLling, DARling, HOW i MISS your PLEASant SMILE.
sometimes, you need to exaggerate the stressed syllables to familiarize yourself to the rhythm. After that, it's just repeating the pattern on each line.
There is no right and wrong to successful "poetry", a fact that is reinforced over and over when you consider how much poop has gained overwhelming popularity. Interaction with helpful peers is a far more survivable endeavour than finding global recognition..lol..cheers!
Thomas
A Train To Sleep?
This could be describing the mind's journey to sleep as it rambles through past events and other images present themselves, with the final destination being peaceful dreaming and the awakening in the morning. It may not be what was intended, but that is where this train took me. I really liked it.
My favorite verse is:
As time slows, it takes me, far from strife and worries,
And I look to where I’ve been, owning each event.
The train continues onwards, the horn blares, it hurries,
Until the ride stops and leads to my final descent.
Thank you Steve for your read
Thank you Steve for your read and comment. I'm glad it took you on a dream. I was trying to get the rythm to resemble the sound of a train. I don't know if I have conveyed that fully, but it must have some influence on you if it was a pleasant journey. Much appreciate your opinions. Ruby :) xx
Catch The Next Train
Hello, Ruby,
I like this journey - I read it as a search for one's self and solitude. I'm a little lost in the meaning of S2, L4. Is the narrator speaking reflectively of self? I paused there a bit to fully understand. Also, I wonder about the word "eerie" in the final stanza. The next line feels almost like a sigh of relief. Maybe the silence is more welcoming than the negative connotations eerie usually describes? So sorry if I may be off the mark of your meaning. I find it to be a very thought provoking poem. I'll be back to read again after your response.
Thank you, Ruby!
L
Hi Lavender, thank you for
Hi Lavender, thank you for your very close read and comments. I've changed line S2, L4. Another great spot from you. The eerie sensation is from when I used to travel on the train for work to London on occasional meetings and get back to my home town in thedark. I suppose, the sensation of being with a lot of other humans and then walking onto a platform on my own, I found scary. Ruby :) xx
Hello, Ruby,
I understand now! Thank you for explaining!
L