Poem Body
Dark is the/ night when the/ bombs are re/leased from the/ enemies'/planes in the/ sky
Grip of des/pair in the/ hearts of de/feated guards/ growing in/ might as their/ families/ die
May 07, 2017
Dactyl Example (Wes's Meter WS)
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Salam Khalid
have you tried to read this aloud and to put the stress where it should naturally be?
I have problems in more than one place.
Salam, Rula
Maybe you can show me the mistakes and offer some suggestions to help me with the choice of words. Can the "unstressed" words be substituted with"lesser stressed" words? I'm quite lost on how to edit this.
Alid
Salam, Rula
I've done some tweaking but still need help. What do you think?
Alid
Khalid
the first line is fine I think.
as for the second line, I read like:
GRIP of des/PAIR in the/ HEARTS of de/FEATed MEN/ GROWing in/ MIGHT as their/ FAMilies/ DIE
I'd replace the "men" with "Guards" as you'd then have a weaker stress on guards
"guard GROW ing"
Let's see what the masters might say.
Salam, Rula
Thank you very much.
Alid
Mark
Not as smooth as you think. I managed to get it right only after the 3rd edit.Tough, but I'm glad I did it.
Alid
Thanks, Jerry
I t has been a trial but I managed to do it right.
Alid
I also saw no problems.
"men" did not stress to me.
Wes
that's very good to know.
Alid
Geez,
but your subject matters are violent and depressing. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation.
I know, Wes
That is why I'm trying to post 2 more to balance it but just too busy at the moment.
Alid
I didn't read it naturally but stressed the stresses
Here's how it sounds in my Aussie accent.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1I6dHZcLag5