Black road bleeds far in the distance,
rubber screeching, and tyres howl.
Depraved thoughts spill, no resistance,
The car races onward, with a growl.
In silent stealth, he kerb crawls,
choosing victims to undress.
Now is the time, his rage calls,
he will break her fragile flesh.
She bobs and dips, attention seeker.
Cobweb mesh of fake restraint.
Gives her the eye, her end looks bleaker,
the madman snubs her complaint.
With silver tongue, he tempts her in,
he’s wild, a mirror of his savage hair.
Plies her with lies, his trophy win,
the price is high, for sweet despair.
In the car, she fondles his thigh.
Resentful, he pulls off the road.
The time is now, it’s time to die,
switch the engine to murder mode.
Grips her throat, a gasping fit,
his hunger grows, aroused by death.
Eyes are wide, she won’t submit,
Frenzied psycho, with bad breath.
Slumps on the wheel, the end is real,
as tissue bleeds, from punctured skin.
She bites his neck, a bloody meal,
her thirst, savours his every sin.
His paw in hers, she hauls him home,
her table planned for weeks ahead.
She’ll tie him down, can’t let him roam,
her victim’s fate, alive and dead.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Dead or Alive" is a narrative piece that delves into dark themes, using vivid imagery and a strong sense of rhythm to convey a chilling story.
The first stanza sets the scene well, using sensory language such as "rubber screeches, and tyres howl" to create a strong sense of place and atmosphere. The use of personification in "The car races onward, with a growl" is also effective in adding to the ominous tone.
The second stanza introduces the antagonist of the poem, with the line "choosing victims to undress" suggesting a predatory nature. However, the phrase "he will break her fragile flesh" could potentially be rephrased to maintain the rhythm of the poem.
The third and fourth stanzas introduce the victim, with the line "Gives her the eye, the end looks bleaker" effectively conveying a sense of impending doom. The use of the phrase "the price is high, for sweet despair" is a strong choice, adding a layer of complexity to the victim's character.
In the fifth and sixth stanzas, the poem takes a violent turn. The line "switch the engine, to murder mode" is a particularly striking use of metaphor, effectively conveying the shift in the antagonist's intentions.
The seventh and eighth stanzas introduce a twist in the narrative, with the victim turning the tables on the antagonist. The line "her thirst, savours his every sin" is a powerful choice, suggesting a sense of retribution.
Overall, the poem effectively uses language and rhythm to convey a chilling narrative. However, there are a few areas where the rhythm could be improved to maintain the flow of the poem. Additionally, while the dark themes are handled well, the poem could potentially benefit from a bit more subtlety in its depiction of violence.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
You know...
I've got to like this one! A great story, with a twist. A couple of little bobbles, there are a few lines that don't flow as smoothly as I would like. The unevenness is a little distracting but can be fixed easily. Often, a word added or subtracted can make all the difference.
I would do these things:
The car racing ahead, with a growl.
In silent stealth, he kerb crawls
choosing victims to undress
Now is the time, his rage calls
he has to break her fragile flesh
A frenzied psycho, with bad breath
Of course, you may use or discard any or all of my suggestions,
but I think if you will change a few things; your lines will smooth out.
I love the theme and have written something similar a while back.
Great job, and well done! ~ Geez.
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I read your Sweet and Evil
I read your Sweet and Evil when you published it here originally and commented on it. It was a great poem, I enjoyed the theme and flow, but I loved the meal they ate in the end. Ruby :)
The poem...
I was referring to, is Racing Nights written back in 06/22/2016. That is a little closer to this one of yours. ~ Geez.
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https://www.neopoet.com
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/racing-nights
Racing Nights - I loved it, I'm still laughing here. It was very good and painted the scenes perfectly. Excellent rhyme, story and dark tale. Ruby :)
So glad...
that you liked it! It truly is one of my favorites. I see that you have a talent for the dark tales. ~ Geez.
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Oh thank you Geezer, your
Oh thank you Geezer, your input is much appreciated. I do get my computer to read it to me, maybe I'm relying on his robotic voice too much?
I've used your suggestions, and yes, it is reading and flowing smoother after the changes. Thank you for your gracious help, Ruby :)
As to...
my help, I am always glad to help. It makes my day. ~ Geez.
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Dead Or Alive
Hello, Ruby,
I could see the entire grim meeting unfold. What a fantastic twist to the theme. Nice tight rhyme throughout. The way I read it, there are a few sentences with commas in the middle which don't seem necessary, for example, "and his silver tongue tempts her in." But maybe I am not reading correctly. (?) This is a smooth dark poem, very sleek.
Thank you,
L
Hi Lavender, thank you, I've
Hi Lavender, thank you, I've made a few changes and noted your comments, I appreciate your suggestions and used them, thank you. Glad to read your thoughts on my poem, Ruby :) xx
This is fantastic
Made my dark little heart skip a beat! I love everything about this...the story...the language...the flow...just fantastic!
Hi Rose, thank you, I so much
Hi Rose, thank you, I so much appreciate your comments and that you read my poem. It's always great to read your words as I sense we have the same black hearts, buried deep, deep, inside. Ruby :) xx
Your poem was great, a
Your poem was great, a challenge to Rose Black and a bit of the dark world
Hey Clentin, thank you so
Hey Clentin, thank you so much for reading and commenting. Ruby :)
dear Ruby,
I love your way with words... your ideas and devious mind...I would team up to hunt with you any evening!
* a tip of my hat to you, eddy styx
Hi Cat, thank you for reading
Hi Cat, thank you for reading and making a comment. I reckon, there would be no stopping us if we teamed up, ha ha. They'd be like putty in our bloody hands, Ruby :) xx