WonderGolly
Jun 20, 2012

Destiny’s Train

Poem Body

Although we know not
The destination it is headed
We recklessly jump on board
Destiny’s speeding train
Hoping to escape the throes of the rain

Now here the train comes to a stop
Yet we cannot stay
The ground is overly hot by day
Like a volcano’s heat
Step after step, kissing our feet,
As we labour vainly without sit

The train comes to a stop over there
Yet we cannot settle
The weather is but a cold battle
Freezing our hard boiled bloods into stone ice
And our fleshes at the mercy of the frostbites

Destiny’s speeding train
Although it heads for the rocky region
Where the heat and cold birth the rain
And pour flood throughout the season
We recklessly jump on board without reason

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Volta / GH, GHA

Favorite Poets: Kofi Awoonor, Kofi Anyidoho, ... :(

More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Though the theme is very good for a poem or two, you seem to have strayed from Rhyme and reason on the flow for this one, I think that a copy and paste to notebook and play with it for a while, the base is fine..
I do this with poems that are critiqued badly, I copy onto word or notebook and go at each line in turn then reinstate to Stream, Yours Ian.T

W

Thanks for your comment Ian T. I appreciate your continues advice
to my writes. I still have a lot to learn to improve. sometimes after a write,
it seems almost too hard to spot patterns and recreate. flaw in me. I know. lolz
like an earlier poem I posted titled "BROKEN HERO" I'm told to improve it.
till date I'm still trying to spin it around. I'll work on it. thanks again.

loved

loved

12 years 10 months ago

you compare destiny
with season
I say life has no reason ...
but we ought to make it worth while,
till the end of the destined
sojourn..
for the meaning of sojourn
ask Ian...

W

exactly the picture I tried to paint. thanks for dropping by and taking the time to read. thanks for the comment as well.
I looked up "sojourn" . think it can make a nice rhyme with "Surgeon." lolz.

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

A surgeon on a sojourn may catch a sturgeon
So Caviare for a can of Peas, La La Sparrow

W

beautiful rhyming you have composed with the lines up there
and an interesting imagery at that.
I hope the surgeon goes with a couple of his friends
because I doubt he can handle the sturgeon all by himself. lolz