diesel breathing (post 3)
Poem Body
diesel breathing
Poem Body
i found a red light that turned to green
the moment i sped past
that hour’s train thundered above as
i threatened the glossy paint
against the stone trestle
of the railroad bridge
the fog of thinking dissolved on that
cold road as I watched it
consumed underneath,
seventy miles per hour
pulling the yellow snake
across the black
i thought about abbreviations
the way you squeeze otherwise respectable words
as you punch out the order for a classified
i had listed it all for sale,
this car, without purpose, was last,
1owr hi-MPG turbo for $10,6
82k, all pwr, no accd., neg.
my mind pretended to dwell on boarding passes, mail forwarding
or the curious way that envelopes taste if you lick them
but her recent words stilll rang in my mind
a yellow sign blinked by
rating the road for twenty
i spun the wheel on a mountain turn
to feel a leap of fear
in my deadened heart
the tires, liberated by physics
spun against grass and gravel and grace
our mass rose up against the ground,
listing with the curve
strangely,
life didn’t slow
the tires regained the asphalt
the wheels shook
the rendezvous was called off
the smallest of things held
i thought perhaps i should treat this machine better
this diesel breathing woman was
the only love in my short life
who hadn't betrayed me
colored lights appeared behind
brighter than resurrection
a man of authority emerged from the blinding scene
an hour dissolved under his footsteps
he asked questions a philosopher would fear
“why, how”
i did not know. the lucid moments against god had passed
all i had was my fragmented reality
somehow i escaped that moment
i escaped responsibility,
turned the key to roar away
some dozen miles later,
i found my temporary home
i sat there
listening to the crinkling of the cooling engine
as frost climbed the glass
and thought about
life, a little
but mostly,
the mundane,
the transfer of title tags & registration
Comments
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem offers a vivid, kinetic narrative that captures a moment of tension and introspection through the metaphor of driving a car described as a "diesel breathing woman." The imagery of speed, danger, and mechanical life is compelling, and the poem’s fragmented, stream-of-consciousness style suits the subject matter well. However, there are areas where clarity, cohesion, and emotional impact could be strengthened.
1. **Title and Structure**: The title "diesel breathing (post 7) - real test" and the initial lines referencing "post 3" and "Poem Body" feel like placeholders or notes rather than part of the poem itself. Removing or integrating these elements more seamlessly would help readers engage immediately with the poem’s content.
2. **Imagery and Metaphor**: The metaphor of the car as a "diesel breathing woman" is intriguing but could be developed more explicitly. At times, the poem shifts between literal and figurative language in ways that can confuse the reader. For example, the line "this diesel breathing woman was / the only love in my short life / who hadn't betrayed me" is powerful but might benefit from more contextual grounding earlier in the poem to prepare the reader for this emotional revelation.
3. **Punctuation and Line Breaks**: The poem’s sparse punctuation and unconventional line breaks create a breathless, urgent rhythm, which fits the speeding car motif. However, some lines feel overly compressed or ambiguous, such as "1owr hi-MPG turbo for $10,6 / 82k, all pwr, no accd., neg." The use of abbreviations and numbers here is evocative but risks alienating readers unfamiliar with car sales jargon. Consider balancing technical detail with poetic clarity.
4. **Tone and Voice**: The poem’s voice is conversational and introspective, but certain moments—like "the curious way that envelopes taste if you lick them"—introduce a surreal or whimsical note that contrasts with the otherwise tense atmosphere. This contrast can be effective if intentional but might need clearer framing to avoid disrupting the poem’s mood.
5. **Narrative Arc and Emotional Depth**: The poem hints at themes of escape, responsibility, and loneliness, culminating in the speaker’s reflection on life and mundane tasks. These themes could be deepened by sharpening the emotional stakes earlier in the poem and clarifying the significance of the "rendezvous" that was called off and the encounter with the "man of authority." What internal conflict or transformation is the speaker undergoing?
6. **Grammar and Typos**: There are minor errors that interrupt flow, such as "stilll" (three Ls) and "1owr" (possibly a typo for "lowr" or "lower"). Cleaning these up will improve readability.
Overall, the poem has strong potential as a meditation on movement, control, and vulnerability, using the car as a central symbol. Focusing on clarifying metaphorical elements, refining narrative coherence, and balancing technical language with emotional resonance will enhance its impact.
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