I dreamt that I was lost at the sea
with no one there to comfort me
the sound of waves spoke to me
"Unaided you will never be."
and then I felt a gentle nudge
a curious dolphin swam to my side
I stroke his head and he asked me
"My human friend, do you want a ride?"
I rode his back and laughed aloud
as high he leapt in the air
before diving into the water,
gently washing away my despair
There lies before me, a kingdom
of coral reefs and mermaids' castles
lit by mysterious orbs
in a peaceful, colourful world
I teased and played with the fishes,
and stared in awe of the great blue whale.
I sang to the bored seahorses
and danced with a turtle, named Abigail.
I was close to kissing a siren
when my sister woke me from my slumber
and thus the beautiful dream ended
but in memory, it leaves me, never
Comments
Salam Khalid
I like your dream. It took me to a different world of fantasy
and with so much joy. I would call it "a journey to a fantastic world"...if you thought of changing the title.
I dreamt that I was lost at [the] sea
with no one there to comfort me
the sound of waves, they spoke to me....drop "they"
"Unaided you, will never be." .......(may be)...unaided...you will never be.
and then I felt a gentle nudge
a curious dolphin swam to my side
I stroke his head and he said to me..............[he asked me,]
My human-friend, do you want a ride?........."my human friend, do you want a ride?"
I rode his back and laughed aloud
as he leapt into the cold air..........as high he leapt in the air
before he dived into the water .......before diving into the water
and washed away my despair and gently wash 'way my despair.
There lies before me, a kingdom
of coral reefs and mermaids' castles
lit by mysterious orbs
in a peaceful and colourful world............... in a peaceful, colourful world
(I feel like a this stanza needs a tad of work to shorten its verses. You play with it ..
I teased the crabs and played with the fishes,
and stared in awe of the great blue whale
I sang to the seemingly bored seahorses
and danced with a turtle, named Abigail
just thoughts. Take what you like and feel free to throw what you don't.
Hope that helps.
Hi Alid
I liked your naming the turtle and enjoyed the tale of dreams. I think in last line of stanza 1 you might try changing never to cease. And remembering a pleasant dream surely qualifies this as pastoral......stan
Hi Stan
"unaided, you will never be" here is actually the same as "you will never be unaided" or "you will receive help". Yoda speech. if I change it to unaided you will cease, its not an assurance any longer. Its more like a warning.
Alid
try
deleting any punctuation after "unaided".
Done it
Thanks, Stan.
Alid
Alid
A great fun write and a tonic, to swim with the Dolphins, did you know that in evolution they were the ones that had the sense to stay in the sea, I don't think they kill each other as man, and are so wonderfully at ease with most creatures.
Did you know that they turn a shark upside down where it becomes very still and no threat to them.
Yours as usual, Sparrow
Hello Ian
No I didn't. Thanks for the info.
Alid
Alid
just read this again still love it but came across a fault in a line:- "and gently wash away my despair"
Would:- "Gently washing away my despair"
be better as it sounds more fitting when reading.
Take care out there and I hope that your helpers are keeping the pains at a level you can cope with,
Yours Ian..
Hello Ian
thanks for the feeedback.
Alid
good
to see I'm not the only one who keeps going back and tinkering with older stuff lol.......stan