Poem Body
A spirited hue
ambles its way onto
resting leaves,
a spark of gold -
ornate and splendid,
a splash of red -
blushed with fever.
The foliage flaunts its
fading green with laughter,
its finery boldly basking
against the early autumn sky.
I pause to watch the sun
make its way ever west
as the trees chant a eulogy,
their long shadows holding
onto the waning grasses
much like that last breath of
summer held onto me -
sweet and benevolent,
drinking in the cooling air
then suddenly letting go.
with one elusive exhale.
Comments
Hi Lavender, I think you can
Hi Lavender, I think you can use the ly word with an ing ending but I sense your doubt, possibly because you've drawn my attention to it?
If I can suggest, the following:
Because you have said last breath at the beginning of the final stanza perhaps instead of saying letting go, using "exhales" allows for the reader to assume the message within their own understanding? Or using release as this is what I understood it to mean but I'm probably wrong.
Lovely poem with my attention drawn to the scene by your use of alliteration, personification and metaphor. It was a fantastic read.
Ruby :) xx
Hello, Ruby!
Your suggestions are wonderful, and I'm going to put some thought into using them - "release" is the truest meaning, but "exhales" is such a flowing, lovely word... I appreciate your help! Gonna work on this one!
Thank you so very much!
L
No, thank you for considering
No, thank you for considering my suggestions. Often I think another set of eyes helps us get to the point, and a little tweak does no harm. Take care, Ruby :) xx
Hi Lavender
..the last stanza and last line reads fine to me. Try reading it without using ing or ly. Your vocabulary is so nice, I often wonder how your work would read in sonnet form....often wish, too.
Thomas
Hello, Thomas!
I am always happy when you read and comment! I'm just not satisfied with that final line, but good to know it is proper grammar. Gonna work it over a bit. The sonnet is actually my favorite western form. The subject of "wishing" would be a lovely sonnet theme!
Thanks again, Thomas.
L
You could...
..change the second line in the last stanza "summer held onto me" to "summer holding me" not that it would make much difference, but might tie in a little better with your final line. There really is nothing wrong with your final line.
Cheers,
Thomas
Thank you, Thomas,
Another excellent suggestion to help the ing and ly combination flow smoother.
L
..but I do prefer..
.."summer held onto me" and the final line the way it is, even if it isn't grammatically perfect. Strange how a small deviation from grammar can be more poetic. Perhaps it leaves a footprint of humanity.
Hopefully, someone else will chime in!
Thomas
Autumn
My favorite time of year! I love the way you depicted the leaves and color...reminded me of shiny ornaments except hanging from the trees outside instead of a Christmas tree. I love how you reflect and appreciate all of the little things in nature. Well done.
Hi, Carrie,
I really like your interpretation of the ornaments! So happy it sparked that for you. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
L
You are very welcome
I so enjoy your writing
What awkward thing?...
I never even noticed the awkward thing about your last line.
Wait; what awkward thing? I think you might have been thrown by the way that it looked, rather than the sound of it.
I love the way the colors amble, march and splash across the scene. A thorough description of colors brings a view from the brain.
Great scenery! ~ Geez.
.
Hello, Geezer,
Yep, definitely looks awkward to me, but good to know it is proper grammar. I'm going to continue to work on this one - I appreciate the wonderful help I've had!
Thank you, as always!
L