mand
mand
May 21, 2016

Eden Smiled

Poem Body

I ambled among the Daydreams
bathed in sun lit flaunts,
each one graced and charmed it seems
by drops of lemon light taunts.

I relished every single cup
made of silk attire,
each one tall and all grown up
'midst flames of golden fire.

I watched as people stopped and bowed,
stooped to their gala,
each one wooed and nosy wowed
to whiff their perfume parlor.

I heard the bees in ardors clutch
buzz about the bunch,
each one romped by suckles touch
In bowl’s of pollen rich punch.

I loitered there, where Eden smiled
joined by my fellows,
each one blissful and beguiled
with raves of vibrant yellows.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

More from this author

Comments

judyanne

Can I offer some suggestions?

I happened upon some daydreams, (drop 'some' - for the rhythm)
bathed the sunlit flaunts, ( bathing summer flaunts? - again for the rhythm)

I noticed their orange dipped cups
made of silk attire,
('I noticed' - superfluous - if you hadn't noticed it you wouldn't be writing about it)
? Their orange paint-dipped cups ?

each one tall, and all grown ups (forgo perfect rhyme for better grammar - up)

Or
each orange paint-dipped cup...
graceful, tall and all grown up

I enjoyed the use of vernacular as in
I loitered there, where Eden smiled
joined by me fellows

I enjoyed reading this Mand
love judy
xxx

mand

Question?

would you say the lines in this poem have consisted meter / syllable count - or do you think it needs working on? Do you find it hard to read aloud?

mand

mand

8 years 11 months ago

Thank you soo much for your kind suggestions: Bit at a time - first point:

Would this be better?

I walked among the daydreams
bathed in summer flaunts

judyanne

Yes that sounds much better to my ear
summer or sun-lit - either - i like sun-lit, or sun-kissed....

It's amazing how tiny changes alter rhythm and meaning...
xxx

mand

is this any better for the second stanza?

I relished every single cup
made of silk attire,
each one tall and all grown up
that set my senses afire.

judyanne

But the last verse...
what about leaving out 'my'? (rhythm again - lol, pedantic me)
xxx

mand

It's much better now! Not sure about leaving "my" out it would read - joined by fellows - is that what you mean? You're up late!!! :) :) or is it early.

would: "me and my fellows" be any better? :)

judyanne

That's the vernacular I like !!

I meant the 'my' in 'that set my senses afire.'

Not late here -not yet quite 8.30...
just finished watching my football team lose ....AGAIN
*unhappy face*
xxx

judyanne

because 'senses afire' is really the problem, but that is your rhyme.... so I was working around the 'my' instead.
On thought, however, 'that set my senses all afire' I think works
xxx

Geezer

Geezer

8 years 11 months ago

Makes me think of holding hands and walking the Yellow Brick Road! Or maybe the Good Trip Lollypop. Loved it! ~ Gee

mand

That's what a day in the Botanical gardens does to ya! Haha - + a few well aimed observations from a keen eyed Neopoet critique'r. :)

Thanks Geezer - Nice of you to read and comment! :) appreciated.

R

raj

8 years 11 months ago

This is so good Mand in many ways...word usage to create the mood and imagery and rhyme pattern...show me your back..i wanna give you not just a pat but a big thump :)

Much love n hugs...