Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Jan 24, 2024
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 01/21/24 to 01/27/24 🏆 Winner

(Read More...)

Evil Tinker Toys (by: eddy styx)

Poem Body

Tinker and twiddle
in this workshop of mine,
always examining
the toys witch I find.

Fixing the broken
mini pianos and doll,
the sailboats, kites
and balls where they fall.

There are other
things that I find,
when I go out walking
after I've dined.

souls where I find them
all tattered and torn,
the promising faithless
battle-scared and forlorn.

Drowning in the gutter,
down on ragged knees
making promises sweet,
all ready to please.

Ripe with excuses
all of them lame,
professing to come clean
in this ancient game.

Men, mostly women
redemption, not wanting,
pleading to be spared
from the memories haunting.

I see their true selves,
horrendous deeds done.
In the lie of loving,
bullets fired for fun.

Back at my workshop
I'll take them apart...
Like wet tinker toys,
kidney liver and heart!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: It has been a long time since a poem has sprung from these lips and fingertips. I am back! Punctuation done.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.

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More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Evil Tinker Toys," demonstrates effective use of metaphor and vivid imagery. However, there are areas where it could be improved.

The poem starts with a simple, almost playful tone, which contrasts effectively with the darker themes introduced later. This contrast could be enhanced by making the initial imagery even more innocent and childlike.

The transition from the toy workshop to finding souls could be made clearer. Currently, it's somewhat abrupt and could be confusing for readers. A smoother transition could be achieved by introducing the concept of the speaker finding and fixing things earlier in the poem.

The rhyme scheme is mostly consistent, which helps to create a rhythmic flow. However, there are places where the scheme is broken, which disrupts this flow. For example, the lines "Men, mostly women / not redemption wanting," do not rhyme with the surrounding lines. Adjusting these lines to fit the rhyme scheme could improve the poem's rhythm.

The poem's ending is powerful, but the phrase "like wet tinker toys" is somewhat unclear. If the intention is to suggest that the souls are as easy to manipulate as children's toys, this could be made clearer. Alternatively, if the intention is to create a disturbing image, more specific and visceral language could be used.

Overall, the poem has a strong concept and uses effective techniques, but could benefit from clearer transitions, a more consistent rhyme scheme, and more specific language in places.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Hello, Eddy,
One of your best! Almost has an ironic happy-go-lucky rhythm to it which makes it all the more eerie. I wonder about the word "miniature" - throws the rhythm off a bit in that line. Maybe mini, tiny? Also, it may sound smoother to state "redemption, not wanting" instead of "not redemption wanting" - if that doesn't change your intent. I see that you are coming back to edit with punctuation. I'll be back to read this mesmerizing, sinister piece!
Thank you!
L
(dinned s/b dined, I believe...)

Ruby Lord

Hey Cat/Eddy, I did enjoy this. there's a real sing song feel to it which leads the reader nicley on towards the bitter end almost like a dark comedy sketch. it sort of reminded me a little of Monty Python?
I'll read it again when you've punctuated it, but so far a really impressive piece. Ruby :) xxx

Ruby Lord

Your punctuation has improved your poem with great effect, :)

This is only minor but I found this line: the toys I find - I think it needs another syllable to make the meter effective? Perhaps the toys which I find?
My favourite verse is the last one:

Back at my workshop
I'll take them apart...
Like wet tinker toys,
kidney liver and heart!

This is so dark, fits with my twisted heart & I loved it. Great job, Ruby :) xx

Candlewitch

Thank you for your patience with me...I know I need to work on punctuating, it is foreign to me. I speak little. I suppose talking more would help. thank you for telling me what you liked and also for what grated on you. I appreciated that. I admire your poetry and advice!

*ever, eddy

Ruby Lord

Hi Cat, you don't need my patience, I think being able to give and take advice is a talent many of us have but few of us recognise or use for fear of rejection, rebuttal or worrying about giving feedback?
I enjoy helping others because when I do, I am learning and as humans we have a terrible thirst for knowledge.
When I read your poem, that was a minor point in my head as the meter was a little off, that's all.
I've witnessed you helping others with their punctuation. Perhaps like me and many others, you doubt yourself? You shouldn't. Your poem was excellent & like I said I really, really enjoyed it.
The sing song style mixed with the sinister subject was reallly effective. Ruby :) xx

Candlewitch

Thank you for your excellent critique and suggestions. If you find anything more I need to tend to, just call them out. I am so pleased to have given you a good read! Cat gives suggestions to other poets. she goes back to see if any or her ideas have been acted upon. If not ( a few times) then she just gives up and moves along.

*ever eddy

Ruby Lord

Thanks Cat. It was my pleasure. How could I read your masterpiece and not comment? Thank you as always for your kind words and responding to my comments. I know I am at times a PIA, or OTT and all too often wordy but hey these are just my good points ha ha. Ruby :) xxx

RoseBlack

Some of my favorite things to write and read about! Especially when they are real! Classic twisted and gruesome Eddy. Well done.

William Lynn

Hi Cat.

A huge shout out to you for your winning poem (and to Eddy too)! Keep on fixin' that which needs fixin'.

I enjoyed the read! - Will

Candlewitch

Thank you for the shout out! It is greatly appreciated. I could not get caught up with my Neopoet family yesterday as I had a long appointment with my Dental Office. OUCH! I am glad you enjoyed...some tell me that I am an acquired taste, lol!

*ever, eddy.

p.s.

I put my rage on the page, so I do not hurt either myself or others...

Candlewitch

Thank you my dear!

*hugs, Cat

S

Line 4 do you mean witch or which?Sounds like eddy has been having fun.....

Candlewitch

witch is the one eddy usually has fun, lol!

* many hugs, Cat

Alaethia D

The topic shift from toys to people, so well done it was almost imperceptible. And then drawing the parallel back from people into the toys again, but so gruesomly. Quite a disturbing, but well written poem!

Candlewitch

I am so glad you experienced my poem in the way that you did. Thank you for reading and responding to my we bit of mayhem. If you did not know, I am eddy styx, Cat's alter ego who resides in darkness. I occasionally write poetry and post it under Cat/Candlewitch's account.

*ever, eddy styx
*hugs, Cat