RoseBlack
RoseBlack
Jan 16, 2024
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A Ghostly Voyage

Poem Body

Skies of slate, fog seeping in,
wrapping around lonley branches in veils of sadness.
An owl's screech heard in the distance.
Followed by a gentle beat, a break in the madness.

Barefoot and alone, stepping silently
through my wooded prison,
following the notes as they echoed,
caressing the new found freedom that has risen.

The ship stood waiting, a site to behold.
Black flag beckoning in the breeze, calling me home.
The sea rocked in rhythm as the sound grew louder,
when suddenly he appeared; my heart did shudder.

His eyes were translucent but he saw me just the same.
A ghostly hand reached out, grabbing me, taking the lead.
"Come quickly," he whispered as they went aboard.
"We're so glad you came."

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Ghostly Voyage" presents a vivid and haunting narrative. The use of imagery is strong, creating an atmospheric setting that effectively conveys the eerie and mysterious tone of the poem.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent. While the second stanza has a smooth flow, the first and third stanzas feel slightly disjointed. The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm to enhance the reading experience.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative progression. While the poem effectively sets up an eerie and mysterious atmosphere, it is not entirely clear what the protagonist's journey or transformation is. The sudden appearance of the ghostly figure in the third stanza feels abrupt, and the reader is left with many questions about who this figure is and why they are important to the protagonist.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of language. There are a few instances where the language feels somewhat clichéd or overly dramatic, such as "wrapping around lonely branches in veils of sadness" or "her heart did shudder". The poem could benefit from more unique and unexpected language to convey its themes and emotions.

Overall, the poem has a strong sense of atmosphere and a compelling narrative, but could benefit from a more consistent rhythm, clearer narrative progression, and more careful use of language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

AI is an idiot! You have been blessed by your muses influence and inspiration once again...such strong feelings here! My favorite lines are:

Skies of slate, fog seeping in,
wrapping around lonley (lonely) branches in veils of sadness.
An owl's screech heard in the distance.
Followed by a gentle beat, a break in the madness.

You have set the hook and I want more!!! This is an excellent story-poem!

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

this story and the tale it tells; maybe if you told it in the first-person, it will jell a bit better? ~ Geez.
.

Lavender

Hi, Carrie,
One of the most intriguing pieces you've posted - I hope you add more to this.L

Alex Tanner

Hello Rose. Yes go for a long poem. I'm working on one now, about the death of Arthur, though its going to take a long long time to get right. a long poem should, I think, hold a narrative strong enough to pull the reader in and hold his interest, like a good novel. Not enough do it, give it a go, and take as much time as you need. Alex

William Lynn

Hi Rose.

Loved the poem just as written. However, you are alone on this voyage I'm not coming aboard, too spooky for me. - Will