raj
Oct 23, 2018
This poem is part of the contest:

Man's effect on our world (October Contest

(Read More...)

greed

Poem Body

when the wheel was invented
homo sapiens scented
the greed to move fast
in turning present to past

speed became the password
for sending rockets skyward
making air travel supersonic
with a loud bang demonic

discovery made winner
of the coveted Nobel prize
sowing seeds of nuclear
for next gen to pay the price

About This Poem

Last Few Words: this one is also my effort to learn the craft of rhyme which is not my comfort zone..

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

brittle light

I am no expert, but here are a few thoughts on rhyming:

don't twist and bend language too much passed your "natural voice" even if using a "stylized poetic voice" just for the sake of a rhyme.
If it feels too clumsy, don't keep it. Search for another way to say it.
For example, In your last stanza, the idea you tried to convey got so squashed up trying to fit the meter and rhyme scheme, it lost any sense of real world logic, just for the sake of making it rhyme.
connecting Nobel Prizes as the instigator of man's natural inclination for discovery is kind of ludicrous. I'm sure you did not intend this interpretation, but that's how it read.after you squashed up your original thought to fit the scheme

rhyming well is hard...keep practicing.

respectfully,