Lavender
Lavender
Sep 05, 2023

The Guy With The Stick

Poem Body

There once was a guy, (the Grim Reaper)
who worked for the sovereign gatekeeper,
creepy and blithe,
carried a scythe,
a stick with a blade for a sweeper.

He tapped at my door last eve,
skank, creaky bones up his sleeve,
clanked when he pointed,
crudely disjointed,
they fell to the floor with a heave.

He slithered along my hand,
with my fist, I took a stand,
stared down his face
(dank, putrid space).
Thwack! I left him canned.

Juggling his bones like a clown,
he hightailed his shroud out of town.
Determined to live,
I threatened to give
another right hook to his crown.

Here I sit, lim'rick ended.
GR is gone - how splendid!
If he comes near,
I'll try not to fear,
'less my soul's apprehended!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Revision: Thank you, Thomas, for much needed help. Still a work in progress, I realize! L

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: I tend to read Ted Kooser, Jim Harrison, Paul Simon, Robert Frost. I like minimalist poetry, and poems reflecting on nature and Mother Earth.

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Comments

Triskelion

..in your jovial limerick of such a morose dude. It was great to see him smacked down in a flurry of anapestic hooks and jabs to a pile of clattering bones! Great fun!

I see you're still working on it, so I'll hold any critique/ suggestions for later.

Thomas

Lavender

I am so grateful you've stopped by. I posted an original poem yesterday morning - so happy that I got the aabba rhyme, while completely oblivious to the meter. Tried to fix it, stumbled blindly, deleted the original and came back with this. Not satisfied with the flow - limerick meter (true limerick) seems to confound me, and I know you are a fantastic limerick-style poet. I'm pulling out of the contest simply because I am now more interested in your (and everyone's) help with this style. I would love to somewhat master the limerick. (It's beating me up...) I would be so grateful!
Thanks, again, for reading and commenting!
L

Triskelion

..to pull out of the contest if you have perseverance. The basic rule is the same as any rhymed, metered poem. The words employed must be used the same as they are spoken naturally and edit, edit, edit and edit again.lol
Your poem has a wonderful, clumsy feel to it, so might be worth pursuing.
Let's look at the first line.

There once was a grim guy named Reaper
...Naturally, one would read

There ONCE was a grim GUY named REAPer

an extra syllable there trips the metre and you can't fake the metre, either...
If words are simply rearranged/ replaced you can have

There ONCE was a GUY (the grim REAPer)

which sort of sets up a comedy atmosphere because the main character is being targeted in a questionable manner with the parentheses.

The traditional "there once was a" at the beginning is a good and safe way of starting a limerick, because it is foolproof, time-tested and immediately identifies the following piece as a limerick.
Really entertaining limericks are not easy to write, but I addictively enjoy the challenging form. Best to write a hundred dogs with proper metre than struggle writing a gem...I'm rambling now...just have fun!

Cheers Lavender!
Thomas

Lavender

for your much needed help! I think I'm gonna remain out of the contest with this one and really concentrate on any suggestions given. I have found limericks are much harder to write than they look. This will be a learning poem for me. (I can tell, though, that it will be fun!)
Thanks again, Thomas!
L

Lavender

Writing a limerick is hard-ess,
a form of highest regard-ess,
I may get it right,
but try as I might,
it's a challenge for this bardess!

Thanks for your help, Thomas! I may let this one rest a bit and return later. I love a challenge, and limericks are kicking me!
L

Triskelion

...has the best metre so far and is the most humorous. Keep it up!

Thomas

RoseBlack

I love everything about this! The dark undertones mixed with humor is great! As much of a terrible reputation Grim has, he is quite the character. There are so many different scenarios and personas that he can take on! You nailed it!

Ruby Lord

Great fun and very enjoyable, I think you are almost there in terms of metre. Very appealing because of the familiarity and the flow. Ruby :)

C

I enjoyed your poem very much. Writing a limerick seems to be difficult, a form I looked at but yet to try.
You have done a great job!