Rula

Jun 20, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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Description: This workshop’s goals are three fold.

The first will be to expose the participant to the wide array of rhyme types available to the poet beyond that known as “proper rhyme” (which will be described fully in the workshop’s first essay). Each day of the first two weeks I will introduce and describe one of the more esoteric rhyme types for discussion in preparation for part three.

The second will be to explain (and enforce within the confines of the workshop) the technical parameters involved with common rhyme. For the purposes of our exercise this most widely used of rhyme types will be referred to as “proper” though its names in English are manifold including, but not limited to: “authentic”, “classic”, “traditional”, “perfect” and more. Being the most used of all rhyme forms it is of course also the most abused and this workshop will attempt to clarify what makes a proper rhyme and what does not.

The third will be to construct a minimum of three short poems. The first poem will correctly utilize proper rhyme. The other two poems will employ two of the other rhyme types discussed in part one. To assure the participant is fully immersed in the challenge, the third rhyme type will be chosen for the poet by the workshop’s leader (that would be me).
An optional challenge (which would relieve the poet from producing multiple poems) will allow the poet to write a single poem using three types of rhyme within one piece. Although this sounds quite difficult (even revolutionary), it is quite common in the poetry of Pope, Dunne, Dryden, Shakespeare and Byron to name but a few.

Please remember to put Rhyme Crimes Workshop in the title when you post your submissions because they appear on the Stream, so that people critiquing can know the context of the poem.

Leader: Wesley Snow
Moderator(s): Stan Holliday/Judyanne

Objectives: The final objective is to leave the poet with a better understanding of the mechanics of rhyme, including the depth of variation in rhyme schemes and thereby be able to recognize when the “rules” are being broken and how an informed bending or breaking of these rules can add or detract from the poet’s work.

Level of expertise: Olympic Pool

Subject matter: Rhyme

This workshop is closed.

Heart's Dues (Rhyme Crimes WS assign.3)

Poem Body

You said you'll pay my heart its due,
and fill it up with life-new,
but all you bid already I knew,
no sun or air nor drops of dew.

Understand my heart, be considerate.
Don't hesitate,come on now.
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late.

It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
when soon you give my heart its justice,
just away from pride and prejudice.

Now we are one,once again,I and you.
I'll fill and chill your heart with lively life anew,
cheer it up ,clear and clean it whenever it's blue,
and forget not to pay that heart its due.

Remember this when you've got a noble call
Remember it well whenever your heart falls

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

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Comments

hi rula

great first verse
- i like 'due' and 'dew', but not sure of 'anew' and 'i new' (and i think you mean 'knew')

the way i understand it rula the first word(s) of the lines of the second verse are to be dactyl rhyme
three syllables need to rhyme
if you change '
Understand my heart, be considerate.
... Unpleasant moments let's forget.'
to
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
Underhand moments let's forget.'
then that is dactyl rhyme (though not the greatest rhyme as two thirds of it is identical)

- when wes said 'accent on the first' he was taliking about masculine endings (dum ta dum),

anyway, wait til wes comes if you like, but i'm pretty sure that is the exercise....
also, sorry, but it is probably me... i can't see any cross rhyme in the third verse :( and little random in the fourth :)

a great poem otherwise, but as it is in the workshop and needs specifics that i can't find i'm being picky ... sorry

love and hugs
judy
xxx

few things

'knew'..it is .
Underhand..'as suggested'

Third verse
Now let's celebrate together, just you and me.
How about fresh shrimps, chips and salad.
Don’t' forget soft drinks-summer is hot.
Nothing can do a better reunion.

Across rhyme . I thought celebrate together ..the 't'
fresh and shrimps
drinks and summer
better reunion

4th one
not sure about random ...mmmmmmmmmm I think I need to read my lesson again.

Thanks again

to my ear

fresh and shrimps
drinks and summer
better reunion
- don't rhyme rula
- but even if they did - they are not placed as cross rhyme

i quote wes
'“Cross rhyme” is when the rhyming sound at the end of one line is matched inside another or (in our puzzle please) the next. Therefore- the sound at the end of verse one is matched by a sound within the second, the sound at the end of the third will rhyme within the fourth.'

as in
the headrest on my BED
is RED as the planet
of the warrior MARS
as his STARS lead me in my dreams

love judy
xxx

i see

I thought we are talking about last sound in one word to match that same sound in the next word

Let's go to the dark room again :-)

Thank you

great edit

with your second stanza
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
Come on now, don't hesitate.
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late'
'Come on now / compensate' don't rhyme 'dactlyly'
suggestion
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
hesitate not, please come on now
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late'

and the third
'It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
when you give my heart its justice,
just 'way from pride and prejudice. '
- fits the exercise, except there's no repeat of the second line end in the third line
again i suggest
'It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
and soon you'll give my heart its justice,
just 'way from pride and prejudice. '
(can i also suggest 'away' instead of 'just 'way') ??

and sorry - i don't see any random rhyme in the last verse - only end rhyme -
i may be wrong of course :)

apart from the workshop crit - i absolutely love this write rula

love judy
xxx

juddy ,don't say

There're no random rhymes :( in the 4th stanza .

I changed in stanza 2 though not fully convinced

Third stanza ..edited 3rd line .what do you think of " reunion" and "you"?

'reunion / you -- maybe, but

'reunion / you -- maybe, but very weak....

HES - i - TATE / don't - COM = pen - SATE - see the different syllable count ? but wait for wes - i may be wrong - it may be acceptable...

xxxx

thank you dear juddy

What do you think about the 4th stanza

oh yes

sorry rula - i didn't note the changes there - much better :)
xxx

in my case

Does the word "love" work to be the mind rhyme?
Do you suggest any other changes in the 4th stanza.I am pretty like to learn indeed.

imo

4th stanza is great
i like the ' one once again' and 'lively life' as well as 'cheer clear clean'

- not sure about the 'say-pay' - not because of the rhyme - that is great - but due to the logic (to me it doesn't make sense) :) - i'd lose the 'say'

and sorry, rula, i don't understand your question re 'love' - you haven't done the fifth stanza (or couplet would work) attempting your mind rhyme yet....

xxxx

i misunderstood

I thought it should be included in the fourth .I'll think of a couplet at least
Thank you

Hi Rula

Either you or I need to go back and review the instructions lol. It is my understanding that 2nd stanza was to be abab pattern with rhymes at beginning of each line. Third stanza was to take last word in each line and match it with an interior rhyme in the next. Now the 4th stanza is up in the air as to whether you complied as there ARE rhymes scattered about as emphasizers but then each line ends with the same rhyme also. I guess since such was not forbidden that's OK. This last assignment has been quite a chore hasn't it ? lol..............stan

stan

the exercise for the second stanza - i quote wes
'The second quatrain will use an alternating scheme (a, b, a, b) and employ TRIPLE RHYMES. A triple (or DACTYLIC) rhyme has three syllables with the accent on the first. The placement of these rhymes will be “initial” (PLACED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE VERSE rather than the end).'
- note - when wes uses 'verse' here, he means 'line'

xxx

Take it easy guys and gls :)

It is after all for fun . We are learning new things indeed but it is after all for the sake of enjoyment and entertainment. it is not a life, death matter so I think we need to wait for the boss here . Then we can amend what we've got wrong . We sure have different understanding for few things but things will be clarified as soon as Wesley is here.

not a problem at all rula

i'm just trying to clarify it for stan
:)

Hi Rula

I think Judy is correct as I was commenting from memory. And no need worry about Judy and I taking it easy on one another as we are friends who just don't hesitate to correct one another, not enemies sniping at each other lol. I apologize if you took our dialogue as being of a combative nature...........stan