Poem Body
The world about humans
not the circumstances,
world about hearts
not the crony souls,
world about loyal distance
not the hypocrisy.
World about peace
not the waiting.
World about chances and not
what we used to be.
World about open sun
not the memories.
World about these mountain cliffs
that can shelter so many lives.
world about broken shadows of my face
that shelter deep ocean.
World about hope
not the decisions.
And only sometimes it lasts forever.
Just only sometimes
it lasts
forever.
Comments
a good list poem
and the flow is nice, and the conclusion works. The poem has a good presence.
In my view these lines are much too long and break up the rhythm of the reading which has a certain pace...
The world about these mountain cliffs that can shelter so many lives,
the world about broken shadows of my face that shelter deep light like ocean,
also this one I can't wrap I head around-
loyal distance and not the hypocrisy in blooming,
for me it's too abstract, I can reach far into "blooming" but not as an hypocrisy...like what blooms?
flowers, talent, love, so that everything that blooms is lying, will die? Is there no joy in the blooming in this world you are describing about peace and hope?
..
thanks :) I will change some
thanks :) I will change some things so u see it later ;)
I hate to...
be an echo, but I really agree with Eumolpus, you should rework this poem, [which is a great theme, by the way]. I do get it though. I read it differently. I get the idea clearly. Maybe the line that he mentions, should read: "The world about loyal distance, not the hypocrisy blooming" ? I think what you are saying here is: Though someone is pretending to be loyal, while they are away or asking someone to be, they, in fact are not? I think if you want to shorten the lines, this is how I would do it.
The world about humans
not about the circumstance etc.
Delete the [ands] stacking the line halves as though they are two lines.
Gives the reader a pause in the rhythm and smoother flow.
There are the two other lines that I would break up:
"The world about these mountain cliffs
that can shelter so many lives
About broken shadows of my face
sheltering deep ocean-like light
Of course, while these are only suggestions and you are free to do as you will,
I do think that it will improve this poem. ~ Geezer.
.
it was something in my mind
it was something in my mind at that moment ... I see it now good word and a "bad" word dont go together, hypocrisy and blooming like it's nothing about blooming but it does pretend ! thanks for reading ! I like it abstract and I like it weird, it's just I was too busy working in hospital I didn't have time to rework on this poem.
Thanks again :) u can read again if this now is a bit better.
I don't want...
to rewrite the whole poem for you, but I think if I can get you to see the pattern and rhythm in it, you can figure it out for yourself. I would do this:
The world about humans
not the circumstance
About the human heart
not the crony soul
The world about the distance
not the hypocrisy
World about the peace
not the waiting
As always, these are only suggestions and you are free to use or discard anything I've said. I like the theme and I hope that you get more time to work on your poetry, because you seem to take critique and use it to your advantage. Good luck and keep writing! ~ Geezer.
.