Your skin slight colored from cold
Every now and then a warm breeze blows a bright leaf
That lingered against a darkening sky a little too long
But either way you hardly notice;
The startling soft touch of rain is on your neck
And the sky is the churning mad sea above
The trees lay themselves bare and dance for you
They have nothing to lose, stripped of their green.
The storm you had not seen is approaching
Whipping up creek water in the dark blue valley.
The storm you never even thought of before.
The road comes up to meet you
As it childishly throws dirt in your eyes
The clouds are angry with their tranquil grey
Shouldn’t it be obvious; everything they feel?
Well it’s not, I think.
Because finally I realized as the lightning flashes its greeting
You are my hurricane.
Mar 14, 2012
It's A Different Kind Of Hurricane (imagery in poetry)
Poem Body
About This Poem
Last Few Words: my best shot on visual imagery for the workshop.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
linger..
is that word that poets always seem to use... and i use it too! i don't know what it is about that word. :) but this is flawless, simply smashing.
motion
Motion has it I believe
Hi Mag
There Is a lot of visual but there is also a bunch of other types imagery here including tactile and kinetic. Hard to stay with only one isn't it? lol. Especially with a poem of much length. In your edit (after more comments accrue) you might consider a shorter version if you decide to stay with just one imagery...........stan PS I know it's hard because My poem gave me fits lol
Just one...
thing. I noticed that you jumped from the context of the present to the past with the line:
"That lingered against a darkening sky a little too long." I liked the concept of simile to a relationship. ~ Gee
Loved all of your imagery!
Favorite lines...
"And the sky is the churning mad sea above"
and
"The road comes up to meet you
As it childishly throws dirt in your eyes"
and also
"The clouds are angry with their tranquil grey
Shouldn’t it be obvious; everything they feel?
Well it’s not, I think.
Because finally I realized as the lightning flashes its greeting"
Very well done.
Deb
thanks
thanks for the comments and critique guys, i appreciate it. on a rewrite i think it will definitely be shorter, and i'll try in vain to stick to visual. oh this isn't easy stan!
thanks,
mag
Hello
Few things worth doing Are easy but when we get done I hope we will all have learned a thing or three and had a good time doing it...........stan
PS
Remember that in the rewrite you don't have to stick to just one type imagery if you don't want to.......stan
I'm with you emo...
... this is a bitch. Stan said it all for me. I saw an equal amount of other senses vying with the visual. I like limiting myself through the classic forms I mess with, but this is ridiculous. On the other hand, I AM learning a great deal and all of my poetry from now on will be seen through slightly different eyes.
wesley
hello Emo,
I see all types of imagery in this vivid write. It sure isn't easy. I liked the lines that Sebra pointed out.
always, Cat
Like a falling leaf seeing,
Like a falling leaf seeing, not seeing,
as its facets turn about,
the distant hurricane creeping up
from the dark blue of the valley,
you make us almost feel the structure of the trees,
reeds and water from the creek
splashing their images at us,
like a painter her paint,
and then realise it is hurricane.
I like this journey in the elements,
and feel buffeted about in its metaphors,
the sea of the sky tossing me about.
"The startling soft touch of rain is on your neck"
This I experienced.
I like this one, many images.
Nordic cloud.
cloud
thanks so much! this one was toughie.
thanks,
mag