Rula

Jan 18, 2015

This poem is part of the workshop:

Humor In Poetry

(Read More...)

Ladies' Talks (Humour in Poetry WS) Ex. 3

Poem Body

As being sandwiched
in everyday's chores,
silly kid's issues, and the dirty floors,
I switched off my hubby, and answered the T.V,
ironed the food, and cooked the A/C.

The fridge smiled and hubby too. :))

♡♡♡♡♡♡
The original

Before being sandwiched
in every day's mundane chores,
those frivolous issues, and some more,
I come to read you,

I smile

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

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Comments

Hmmmmmm.nice switch Rula..

Hmmmmmm.nice switch Rula...you are doing great...we havent even got started with the collaborative write...so dont think we would be able to do that...

Regards,

The ending is not what I wanted though. I am still thinking and I am not sure if it is funny at all. I don't want to offend and want to make it funny. I don't know if other endings work better like "I slipped" or "I chocked" work any better or make it funnier. It isn't an easy work as it seems.

Rula

how 'bout this

Bewitched at being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores,
our flavored tiffs and spicy wars
like yummy spread I miss

just funning :)

now

that's a move in the right direction

Fed up with being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores
I get frivolous and don high heels
And go out on the town

In my dreams

xxx

a lil tweak

Fed up with being sandwiched
'tween kids and hubby chores
I get frivolous and don high heels
to go down town shopping alone

In my jeans

thank you raj

Appreciate the help. I think I need to try again.

sorry rula

I don't find this funny in that I don't even understand what is supposed to be funny
sorry
love judy :(
xxx

thank you judy

I was trying to play with the with words "sandwiched" , "flavoured" ....etc. which are related to food and so on and other matters related to life. I think I need to think in a different direction.
Appreciate your honesty dear.

Yes

There IS a clever play on words but this could be a lot funnier with some more thought. The funny version doesn't have to be the same length as the original so if you need to expand this that would not be a problem.

actually stan

It is supposed to be a parody of the original poem, so should be the same set up
:)

thank you Stan

at least I have tried.
I did some edits but still kept the original length.

Hi Rula

It's not easy making the change between serious and funny using the same set up! As a stand alone poem I wouldn't change this at all, but if you want to make it funny I think Judyanne and Raj are on the right road - but of course it's your poem so it's up to you. :)

Love to you

Mand xxxx

Thank you mand

Yes, it's a big challenge.
I liked what both judy and raj doing
I think being serious myself, I eluded the right way to the comic side in life. Another fact I'm discovering about myself. :(

Hellooo again!

If your happy that's all that matters! :)

Rula

A good write from you as usual, I must see if I have another short poem to change, I have no mother in laws left now, lol
Take care young lady and enjoy your life,
Yours as always, Ian

I fear I must agree

that the new version isn't actually funny. In fact in seems to be the same poem phrased differently.
I also fear that I don't have a ready suggestion, but you seem to have sound advice from the others.
As the saying goes... "Rocket science is easy, comedy is hard."

I fear

I have to agree with all :) sir.

Rula

I too agree with Wesley. The revisions did not make it funny or humorous. At least for the sake of the WS Exercise you need to get out of your comfort zone to bring out the fun part in you. So I suggest you get rid of the shackles, eat bubble gums and all such things you would do as a kid (even imagine doing those) to get you into fun mode ...you know what i mean?..

Don't believe that by writing something funny you would be perceived as a funny woman ..like Judyanne (grins)...

Thank you raj

I understand what you mean. The problem is in the changing. I think creating a new one is a bit easier. It is as hard as trying to get rid of a bad habbit to embrace a good one. But I won't give up.

Good to know Rula that you

Good to know Rula that you would be working on this till you get it right.

Regards,

Rula

The edit IS funny. I got a big old smile reading the line about switching your husband off lol. (maybe because Susan does the same thing to me all the time............stan

Lol Stan

This happens only on papers. ((( smiles)))
I'm sure Suzan is innocent from such a thing too :)
But really I'm happy this gives you a smile.
This means mission accomplished I hope.

lol yes rula

Mission accomplished
love judy
xxx

Thanks judy

I can't deny that you and raj have helped much to inspire this one though.
Really grateful.

Ha ha :)

Well done - very funny - I'm proud of you for not giving up! :)

Love Mand xxxx

Thank you Mandy

It wasn't easy, but yeah it's nice to overcome all the obstacles sometimes with a silly thought and a smile.
Hurrah! :)

PS. Wish hubby isn't offended. He is the best part in my life.

Oh dear!

I hope he's not offended - :( xxxx

take it easy dear

He hasn't even read it. :)

Phew! :)

Rula

It's a wow change...I am sure your beloved hubby wont be offended...he would admire you even more ...

Regards,

Ah!

What a relief dear raj. I really needed a man's point of view. Stan was the first to step, and now you!

Now I can read it to him with no fear to be myself switched off myself. Hahaha.
Thank you!!

Rula

Good to hear your laughter, which i guess was also because finally getting the humor right...

A small suggestion for the end line, if i may:-

I switched off my hubby, and answered the T.V,
ironed the food, and cooked the A/C.

The fridge smiled.and hubby too

how bout that? :)