Poem Body
Destination anywhere,
frozen tears pierce my skin,
as a bitter wind slaps my face.
Much like the memories of you and this place.
Passersby, in ghostly form,
not really here but not really gone.
The train rolls in, like storm clouds in the sky.
I've never been so glad to say goodbye.
The conductor, in his broken down attire,
bids me good day as I board his vessel.
One way ticket to parts unknown,
no turning back once the whistle has blown.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Leaving On A Train" employs vivid imagery and metaphorical language to convey a sense of departure and longing. The use of elements such as "frozen tears," "bitter wind," and "ghostly form" effectively create an atmosphere of melancholy and desolation. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow.
The first stanza sets a strong emotional tone, but the transition to the second stanza could be smoother. The abrupt shift from the personal experience of the speaker to the observation of "passersby" might be jarring for some readers. It could be beneficial to provide a more explicit connection between these two elements.
The third stanza introduces a new character, the conductor, which adds an interesting dynamic to the poem. However, the phrase "ramshackle attire" seems a bit out of place. If the intention is to depict the conductor as a symbol of decay or neglect, it might be helpful to expand on this idea to make it more clear to the reader.
The final line, "no turning back once the whistle has blown," effectively encapsulates the theme of irreversible departure. However, the phrase "parts unknown" is somewhat cliché and could be replaced with a more original expression.
Overall, the poem successfully communicates a sense of longing and departure through its use of imagery and metaphor. With some adjustments to the rhythm, transitions, and language, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
WOW!
Negativity in your poetry really works for you! I love it! I will not be quoting my favorite lines, as I cannot choose them. They are all brilliant. This piece brought a chill to my spine. the passion, and wistfulness...
*hugs, Cat
Thank you
It was kind of a ghost train concept...coming to take a lost soul who is longing to forget and needing to move on. Destination anywhere no one knows her. Fresh start. Thank you for the read and comment.
yes...
I really got into the ethereal essence of this poem!
*hugs, Cat
*really enjoyed this! eddy styx
Leaving On A Train
Hi, Carrie,
Wonderful imagery in this. I can see and hear the train and the storm clouds. Very ominous. Really like this one!
L
Thanks L
Had a few dismal days around here which helped set the mood. Glad you enjoyed
My best to you...
xxx
Rose Black
An arduous task living in the grey. It reminds me of a time when I was broken and frail.
Rose Black
An arduous task living in the grey. It reminds me of a time when I was broken and frail.
Rose Black
An arduous task living in the grey. It reminds me of a time when I was broken and frail.
Rose Black
An arduous task living in the grey. It reminds me of a time when I was broken and frail.
Rose Black
An arduous task living in the grey. It reminds me of a time when I was broken and frail.