Poem Body
The black cup is hot.
I would drink from the black cup.
But still the cup is hot.
May 24, 2015
Life. Cup 3 exploration workshop.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Haiku is not my bit. Did I get the count correct?
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
The count is right
The subject, however, lacks focus.
As an example:
"I hold the hot cup,
the tea's soul seeps into mine,
in warmth, we are joined."
The thing about haiku is that it was intended to be an introduction and later d/evolved into a form. It's constraints are many and often inference is stronger than statement.
And...
I am ignorant of it beyond the syllable count (which I'm not too sure of either). I feel about this form the way Stan feels about sonnets. I despise them, but will continue playing when possible in hopes something clicks.
Count IS correct
It's my understanding that there should be a twist though. "were the cup not hot" would be such a minor twist but I suspect you can come up with a better one. ........stan
I cheated.
I gave it a title. Life is hot, but I want to drink from it. However, it is still too hot for me. That was my pathetic twist.
How about this?
Change the last line to
"it is still too hot" or "but it is too hot"
I don't know. :-/
Wes
you can do better.
Alid
I know
You always preferred to tell a tale in hundred lines.
Why don't you think of it as a little tale?
I agree with the rest. That third line is the weakest in your loop.
I simply do not understand this form beyond the count.
Somebody help me out. What should a haiku... do.
I'm interested in the answer to this question
If I remember correctly, a haiku is supposed to juxtapose two images.
"An old silent pond...
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again."
I find that great haiku hint at something greater using the images they present. But that's all I got. I don't really "get" haiku, and, if you don't get it, your poems may just be technically accurate (5-7-5) but won't carry the wit and emotion and insight that makes haiku haiku.
Wes
The syllable count for the last line should be 5 but I counted 6.To rectify it you can use one of William's suggestions or "but it is still hot"
Alid
Haiku
The haiku form was, in the beginning of the form, an introduction for a longer piece, often shared between writers. Seasons and juxtaposition were, indeed, important and punctuation was both eschewed and required at times.
So, a haiku, as a form, grew and the standard 5-7-5 count is not, exactly, syllable, but sound.
For example, in English, "fire" and "soul" are both one syllable. In haiku, they are two sound units. Thus:
"I was on fire"
in a haiku, is a correct sound unit count, though we may view it as a syllable short.
But that is all technical. In my mind a haiku is still an introduction, a hint to an instance, a situation, or an emotion. It is the lightest of poetry, saying the most with the fewest words. And for it to be successful, you have to have a definitive idea of what you are hoping to communicate.
It's why I chose the haiku as the last form. In free verse we were able to take our subjects and, at our leisure, expound on them to our heart's content. In the sonnet, we were forced to distill it to a process and,more difficultly, make certain we adhered to the imposition of a pattern.
But that process may have given us a clear idea of how to approach the final task, hinting at importance, inferring an emotion, letting our introduction serve as a way for the reader to finish the story in their own mind.
Language is so important in a haiku because you are allowed so little of it.
This is what makes it an excellent writing exercise.