Sleep... Death's gentle cousin;
Come dust my eye lids
With your feather-like kiss.
Softly convey a promise.
Take me to a dreamless state
As you color my reality...
Where I can recline in soft arms;
Slumber now, this dark depression!
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Living With Depression" demonstrates a strong use of metaphor and personification, which effectively conveys the speaker's emotional state. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further development.
1. The metaphor of sleep as "Death's gentle cousin" is a powerful image that sets the tone for the poem. However, the poem could benefit from further exploration of this metaphor. For instance, the poem could delve deeper into the relationship between sleep, death, and depression, which would add depth to the speaker's emotional landscape.
2. The use of personification in "Come dust my eye lids / With your feather-like kiss" is effective in conveying the speaker's longing for relief from their depression. However, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery. For instance, what does the "feather-like kiss" feel like? Is it cold, warm, comforting, or something else? Concrete details can make the poem more vivid and engaging for the reader.
3. The poem's structure and rhythm could also benefit from further refinement. The poem currently consists of one stanza with six lines. While this structure works, the poem could potentially be more impactful if it were broken up into multiple stanzas. This could also allow for more variation in rhythm, which could enhance the poem's emotional resonance.
4. Lastly, the poem's theme of living with depression is a powerful one that many readers can relate to. However, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of this theme. For instance, the poem could explore the speaker's daily experiences with depression, their coping mechanisms, or their hopes for the future. This could make the poem more relatable and impactful for readers who are dealing with similar experiences.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I think...
I like eveything about this one.
Not that being depressed is anything to be happy about,
but many of us went to great lengths and many words to express what we feel.
You, have gone straight to the core of one possessd by a true depression.
Simple, no big words and a great sense of mood.
Very nicely done, ~ Geez.
.
Dear Sir Gee,
I have a feeling, from your response, that you have experience with this subject matter. thank you for your honest response. I have never known you to give anything other than! This one, I reached down into myself.
*hugs, Cat
Yes...
there are many days when I would much rather stay abed, than get up and face the day and the seemingly little things that entail living amongst the rest of the world. My youngest son also suffers greatly from depression, and I see his struggles. Thank you for digging deep into yourself and sharing with us. ~ Geez.
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Dear Geez,
I know exactly how you feel. I saw a pulmonologist about feeling tired all the time. His diagnosis increased my depression. I hope that you feel better soon, and your son too.
*hugs, Cat
I second
What sir Gee said about this one.
I too am a fan of crisp succinct pieces of poetry.
Best wishes
Thank you for sharing.
Be well soon dear
Dearest Rula,
Thank you so much for reading and the sweet recognition of my truth.
*hugs, Cat
Almost
Almost Shakespearean. Alex
Dear Alex,
Thank you much, for your consideration and comment.
*hugs, Cat
What...
did you do? I know that you did something to this, but not what. Whatever you did, it must have been the right thing, because I love it as much as I did the first time I saw it. ~ Geez.
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hello my Geez,
answer: (As you color my reality) thank you!
*love, Cat
This was powerful
The state of mind depression puts us in...how we wish our lives away to the extent where we withdraw and sleep...sometimes permanently. Great job.
dear Carrie,
I knew you would understand, and I was right! my depressions roots never dig too deeply into your reality. may there always be a special someone to hold onto in your life!
*hugs, Cat
Well done!
You have an amazing talent for bringing a big topic in pin-point focus. You captured the presence of depression so well, but you left me with a dilemma. It is perfect as is, yet I wanted it to keep going because I recognized the road you were traveling. I didn't want to leave your words.
Depression...
Dear Mary Beth,
I know it is a huge subject to cram into a few lines. I could have taken it to a manuscript, or volumes of books. I have clinical depression starting from my earliest years. My childhood was very short. I am sorry that you recognize the "landscape" my life is much better now with Steven's love. I wish a world of love, for you. thank you for responding to my poem.
*hugs, Cat
Not crammed, by any means!
I’d consider it more “distilled into pure truth.” I am so happy to know you have a better life now. You deserve it.
hello Mary Beth,
Thank you for your generously kind thoughts.
*hugs, Cat
I wish death was as soft as you describe
Amazing piece as usual
Thank you for sharing
Dear Koki,
it is my wish, too. and I wish I was not so foolishly brave, it is a pain in the @ss...
*many hugs, Cat