Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

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Luminous Strides [Sunku WS]

Poem Body

Back stage
she readies
for a catwalk

Steps out
and dazzles
a crescent smile

Baring
her radiance
with every stride

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is an attempt to meet the aesthetics of Sunku. Will appreciate to know from readers if I have succeeded or fallen short of expectations in this endeavor...

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Raj,

Just keep an eye on the Syllables as this is part of the structure.
This theme is great and the balance great, I could watch the model walk..
"Stepping out" and "Unveiling" have three syllables, so just a tweak and it will be perfect.
Great write, Yours Ian..

Thanks Ian for your comment

Thanks Ian for your comment and pointing out syllable count exceeding in a couple of places... have tweaked it up now

Regards..

Raj

Great to be of help and I hope you will enjoy the form it is an invention of Irene's and I like it very much, the feelings come out with less words and the imagination has to work overtime lol.
Go well young man and my love to the family,
Yours as always Ian..

Ian

Thanks for dropping by again and for your good words...

Regards..

I don't dare

I don't dare
to cat walk
instead of me
guys will
about my syllables
laughingly talk
so come over
never stalk
my face is painted
like white chalk

Thanks Lovedly for the read

Regards..

so it seems -----o------- master subime

you are about the stage behind
watching through veiled curtains
seeing a cat's whiskers practicing
amen
be at it
till from sub
you become
like red wine
as in
SUNUKUS
u alone
ssssSH I N E

I love your poem.

I love your poem.
I would not worry about count imperfection.
As you know it is secondary.
Important part is that you have created a great energetic and mysterious sunku with a character and sound.
Great write.
Slight imperfection of count is like a little crack on a vase. In Zen tradition it only makes the object closer to life. Life alwaus develops and never perfect.

Thank you IRiz for sparing

Thank you IRiz for sparing time in your busy schedule to read this and your comment which is both encouraging and inspiring..
...........

Wonderful

I wish I can say something alike dear raj.
The ink in my pen still refuses to flow.
I'm trying to read though. Reading and commenting brings joy to me especially when it holds some positive impressions/messages within.

Thanks for sharing!

Rula

I think most of us go through a phase of Writer's Block..it could be because of external and/or internal influences ...whatever it be I'm pretty sure the ink in your pen will start flowing smoothly. It's good that you are now able to spare time for reading which itself would act like an Ink Dropper for your pen...

Thanks for the read and your appreciative comment..Waiting for your next post...

warm regards dear friend...