At the time you didn’t know it,
But you were a liar.
And I loved you.
Lifting me into the air
As if I were an angel.
Swaddling me
In your promise of forever,
That you didn’t realize
Was already broken.
Late nights awake
Spent listening to the sound
Of my sobbing heart
In a duet with soft hums
Of sadness.
Waiting for a sign.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hey T.
Great read, there's a distinct poetic voice that I'm quite drawn to underlying this. In saying that, I have a few small suggestions that might bring that more to the forefront. I'd read it out loud a few times as that advice has always proved helpful to myself, the line break from stanza 2 to 3 for me felt unnecessary and broke the flow of the voice, it's something I'm guilty of myself a lot of the time. If that break was intentional, perhaps consider playing around with that 3rd stanza to allow it to stand on its own. I only offer this feedback as I really loved a lot about this piece and would love to see it grow even further. My favorite part was the first stanza;
At the time you didn’t know it,
But you were an lier.
And I loved you.
There's something quite innocent and honest about it that gives for an instant connection to the work.
Nick.
an lier
I've kinda lost the thread of the poem because I've gotten stuck on what an lier is supposed to be. (I assume it's a typo.)
I've had...
a few of those late nights lying awake listening to my heart crying too. Although they were many years ago; I remember well. The word misspelled is [liar]. Put a [the] in between the words to and sound. I wasn't so disturbed over the misspelling/typo of the word, that it ruined the rest of the poem. Nice work. ~ Geezer.
.
Hi TH
The "lost" feeling is pretty vividly expressed in your poem but i felt that you jumped to the end sooner than was expected....i feel you could have done more...even otherwise the feel of the poem is good....
...................................
T H
For the workshop I have had a write, as you say this is unfinished:-
MIS loving me..
Unfinished Workshop T Harmonee
At the time you didn’t know it,
But you were a liar.
I loved you just so.
You lifted me into the air
As if I were an angel.
Swaddling me.
In your promise of for ever.
You didn’t realize then
it had already broken.
Late nights awake
Spent listening to the sound
of my crying heart.
A duet with soft hums.
A rhythm of sadness.
Waiting for a sign.
Will this last
As your promise?
For ever?
Hope this is a good attempt in your eyes, I need a little more info to write more if needed,
Yours as always, Ian..
Remember folks, this is a workshop for Unfinished Works
Harmonee wants help finishing it.
I did a reading and I can hear its incompleteness, both in content and closure.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0cQfAxzlyUJ
I ask four questions.
If he was a liar and really (really?) didn't know it how did you or he find the truth?
Waiting for a sign of what?
What do you feel now?
What are you doing about it?
I hope that answering these in the poem may help.
A suggestion
At the time you knew
but made be believe
our love is true
Lifting me to touch the rainbow
giving me Angel wings
Swaddling me
in promise of a pot of gold,
you didn’t realize
i was heartbroken
when my feet touched earth
with rainbow lost in clouds
only Crickets are now awake
listening to the rickety notes
of my ruined heart
singing in monotone
song of a bird that flew away
Hoping for its return
to its deserted abode
.............................................................................
I am a bit taken by this poem
I am a bit taken by this poem, but will not comment, because without feedback from the author I would feel my input was simply thrown into the wind.