Poem Body
Holding the derringer,
through the peep hole she spied,
her woeful tears now had dried,
turned full of rage over loose lips that lied.
His fingers now trace the curves of another.
Though she was aware from the start,
it didn't stop him from stealing her heart.
Until suddenly, their ways did part.
Silently, she watched from her hiding place,
the other's eyes so sinfully blue,
the mistress wondered how she'd do,
with a bullet to that beautiful face.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Mistress In The Closet" demonstrates a strong use of narrative and emotional exploration, effectively conveying a story of betrayal and heartbreak. The use of the derringer as a symbol of the protagonist's anger and potential for revenge is a compelling choice.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent rhythm and rhyme. The first stanza follows an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not maintained in the subsequent stanzas. Consistency in the rhyme scheme could enhance the poem's musicality and flow.
The poem's narrative could also be developed further. The second stanza introduces the concept of the protagonist's heart being stolen, but this idea is not fully explored or resolved in the poem. Expanding on this could add depth to the protagonist's character and make her motivations more understandable to the reader.
Lastly, the final line of the poem is a powerful one, but it could be made even more impactful with some rephrasing. The current phrasing is somewhat passive ("how she'd do, with a bullet to that beautiful face"), which somewhat diminishes the intensity of the protagonist's emotions. A more active phrasing could better convey the protagonist's anger and potential for action.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively uses narrative and emotional exploration, improvements could be made in terms of rhythm and rhyme, narrative development, and phrasing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rose
i thoroughly enjoyed this. great job!
Thank you
I am so glad you liked this. It was a fun write.
Mistress In The Closet
Oooh... I feel the scorn and revenge. Sly and subtle.
Thank you!
L
Thanks L
I'm glad you liked it! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...or one that waited for her man to see she was the better choice...
I like the dramatic flair,
but is the gun searching the right person.
Tyro
Hi tyro
Yes..the gun is searching the woman, the mistress thought she was replacing. Who knows...she may take them both down.
dear Rose Black,
much enjoyed this one. my idea of a perfect murder, is for the one seeking revenge to wait at least a year. In this way way they will not be at the top of the "Suspect List." I suggest shooting them both, so there are no witnesses! Lol! In my case, I would just Hex them!
*hugs, Cat
Good point
Take them both out and be done. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the comment and read as always.
Loved your poem. The poems
Loved your poem. The poems shows the sense of loss and the sense of rage.
Fits your poems of violence and rage.
Great
Thanks Clentin
Glad you enjoyed. Sometimes we get tired of being second best