Moonlight Euphoria - Dancing With You

Poem Body

The drum beats rhythm
tapping into my mind..finger snapping..paced steady.
The bass guitar strums,
that deep ambient sound..feet off the ground..slow heady.

The stars are shining,
animating your eyes..scintillating..in the moonlight.
Dance with me tonight,
sense the atmosphere..now we are here..hold me tight.

The lights are down low.
feeling this close to you..I am reeling..and it's true
that I am falling..
and my heart is surging..and converging..love for you.

You are the passion,
caving the soul of me..the craving..I have longed for.
Hold me close tonight,
so the music plays..for now..always..and ever more.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/bottom-line#new

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Comments

Mand

Loved this part, but the music is still playing
and there is a big space that needs filling.
I am so glad that my dancing is limited.
I think that you could write a little more here,
Take care out there, the valley is quiet for a while,
yet in the distance of the silence,
I can hear music playing still,
Yours Ian.T

Hi Ian

I'll have to work on it! any and all suggestions are welcome - I want the truth, How can I fix it if I don't know the truth! So I appreciate your coming by to let me know. I get the feeling digit is cooking up trouble -- and the music maybe somewhat sinister! He he.

Thanks again.

Loads of love and appreciation.

Mand xxxxxxx

Mand

Good revisions and add.
I thought the "deep love for you" in the third
stanza lessened the effect of the extended metaphor through out,
but it reads good any way if you like to keep it.
Thanks for sharing.

Hi Rula

Thank you sooo much for coming by to read and comment. I'll take a look at "deep love for you", see if I can make any improvement. I love this site because people give honest opinions - how else can we improve! So I'm really appreciative of your comment.

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxx

Mand

Your revision has made a great difference to the whole piece.
There is a refinement about the whole piece now, and it read well,
Yours Ian.T

Hi Ian

I do apologize to the delay in reply - life can be hectic! Thanks for coming by to read and comment. I hope to see you soon - I'm sure Digit is up to no good somewhere. He he

Love Mand xxxxx

Hi Mandy

Not sure these will improve anything but here are some ideas :
S-1,l-4 try deep instead of soft
S-2,L-2 reflected instead of reflecting
S-2,l-3 remove question mark
S-3,L-2 change dancing to we're
S-3.L-4 change love to loving
S-4,L-1 delete "the"
Just give them a try and trash any you think don't work for you.
Ps you have done really well describing that dancing is often more than just dancing..........stan

Helloo Stan

I will be looking into your suggestions - hopefully I'll be editing shortly. I really appreciate your time and attention, as I do everyone else's. Your help is truly valued.

Love Mand xxxxxxx