Only fourteen and I live
in a haunted house of stone.
Just my mother, ghost and me
Yes, we live there quite alone.
Mom works nights at a nursing home
a couple of blocks from here.
Don't call me unless it's urgent
her message, intent, quite clear.
One night I awakened, finding to
my great distress and lost breath,
fingers tightly around my neck
squeezing to render me unto death!
Up quick, flying to the Bathroom
warm water filling into the sink.
Both hands I blot to dry my face
then I get a nice cool water drink.
From the mirror, a reflection of me
Finger-shaped welts around my neck, a ring.
Ease the pain with a saltwater gargle
My voice harsh. a squeak, the pain still searing.
Every morning noon or night something new
in my house of horrors so taunted.
How can a fourteen year old get any sleep?
I find I'm harried, harassed and haunted!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "My House Is Haunted" uses a narrative style to convey a chilling tale of a haunted house. The story is well-structured and the progression of events is clear. However, there are a few areas where the poem could benefit from revision.
1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem starts with an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not consistently followed throughout the poem. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme can enhance the rhythm and flow of the poem.
2. Punctuation: The punctuation in the poem is inconsistent. For example, some lines end with a period, while others do not. Consistent punctuation can help clarify the meaning and rhythm of the poem.
3. Imagery: The poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. For example, instead of saying "something new in my little house of horrors," the poet could describe specific eerie occurrences that add to the haunted atmosphere.
4. Word Choice: In some places, the word choice could be improved to better convey the intended meaning. For example, "her message of intent was quite clear" could be revised to something like "her stern warning was clear."
5. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what is happening instead of showing it. For example, instead of saying "I find myself harried, harassed and haunted," the poet could describe specific actions or feelings that show this state.
6. Tone: The tone of the poem is a bit uneven. It starts off almost casually, but then becomes more serious and frightening. Establishing a consistent tone can help set the mood for the poem.
Overall, the poem has a compelling narrative and a unique perspective. With some revisions, it could be even more effective.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I love the story...
Your rhyme is very good and shows imagination.
I think that your meter could use a little sprucing up.
By keeping an eight - seven syllable count, you can maintain
a great narrative pace.
For instance:
mom works nights at a nursing home
a couple of blocks from here
Don't call me unless it's urgent
her message, intent, quite clear
This one is a very good narrative poem, and I would enjoy seeing you work this over.
~ Geez.
Much smoother...
Nicely done. I think you got the story out without making it seem like a project, and it has a better rhythm.
.
Do you want me to send Killer and the guys to clean up that ghost for you? They'll have a Barbecue Exorcism and offer up some prime rib. ~ Geez.
.
Thanks Gee,
This was a real ghost story. It was a real nasty one. I think I may write more on this, other episodes. I worked hard on this poem and feel rewarded by your critique. thank you so much for rereading! I wish I had know Killer and the guys back then.
I went back to the house about twenty years later to find it had been bulldozed out of there. I wonder what happens to displaced ghosts...
*love, Cat
Thanks Mark,
I think I will write more about this haunted house that I lived in for three and a half years. There is more to tell. I lived in fear, basically alone because Norma (mother) worked and then slept for eight hours. Highly stressful conditions...
*hugs, Cat