Poem Body
A life of motion, dithering days
Intoxication in so many ways
Never looked inward, I ran for the door
Left me in piles of myself on the floor
Lucky for me I always got up
Yet doing my best was never enough
So I did my worst, I bathed in the hurt
It showed in my actions, with death I would flirt
I stand looking back now, I’m given to cry
I clipped my own wings but expected to fly
Free from the cage I constructed in mind
I jump from my perch, I’m free falling blind
Earth is approaching at terminal speed
I gather my courage and strength which I’ll need
Refreshed with direction I’m spreading my wings
To fly on the fortune that destiny brings
Comments
No Escape
Hi, Tim,
Probably the deepest piece I've read from you. I am beyond moved. With that, I do have a suggestion, but I want you to know I'd never try to change such a heartfelt writing without good intentions. The entire poem flows so smoothly, and the meter is great, but the use of language in S2, L3 and L4 throws me a bit. I've always struggled with words that don't seem to flow in the natural speaking order. "...with death I would flirt." I realize this is a very important piece of your poem. May I suggest something similar to:
the agony drowned the life in my breath
I walked a thin line and flirted with death
Please know this is not meant to change such a defined moment in your poem. I realize this line is crucial. My apologies if I've meddled, but for me, such a line in this remarkable poem should almost stand alone.
Another thought: The poem doesn't feel like "No Escape" - anything but...
I'm so impressed with you...
L
Well done...
I like the rhythm and the speed that these long lines accomplish.
Your rhyme is very good, and the near rhyme almost undetectable! Nice.
My only suggestion is to place another [to] in the last line; making it:
"To fly on to the fortune, that destiny brings" Solid thoughts presented in
a positive manner. ~ Geez.
.
Thank you all
I am seriously considering every suggestion here. You’ve all made great points. I do realize my style is Elizabethan in that sometimes I phrase things that seem backwards to the natural speaking. I love Shakespeare and it’s evident when I do this. I understand the rub and it’s not the first time someone has suggested maybe not doing that. I personally like it because it reminds me of classic poetry and also affords more options.
Geezer; I get what your driving at but think of fortune as the wind beneath my wings and not the destination.
Kat; think of the word terminal not as death like “terminal illness” but like “terminal velocity” like physics. Think of a peregrine falcon at 190 mph diving to earth then spreading its wings just before contact. It’s the speed that’s terminal because you can’t fall any faster.
These comments are astounding and I’m going to consider all three before I move on this one.
Tim
I understand...
now, what you are going for. ~ Geez.
.
Me, too!
:)
L
Well done
Such a deep, personal piece. The freedom from our chains gives us wings to fly! Well done!
No escape
It never ceases to amaze me. Everyone here seems to feel and understand so much about the
beauty and mechanics of poetry. Of which I know very little, but I can see imagery and feel frustration.
As well as a sense of liberation! Great job and thank you all for educating me!
dear Tim,
I understand your way of stating things backwards, as I do it to in my natural speech. I loved this pain filled poem that goes into detail about how you have wronged yourself in your earlier life. but you have great instincts. you recognized the hazards in the road ahead and pulled yourself free, reversing your direction. you are a true warrior, and I salute you!
*hugs, Cat
Thanks Cat
I’m grateful for this community that engages my creative side and I’m always grateful for your gentle understanding and kind words.
Hugs,
Tim
No Escape
This piece is woven together so well and it reminds me of my life. I feel like a bird that has clipped his own
wings, so timely for me to read. I'm in the process of recovering and can relate to many elements of this poem.
Thank you for sharing!