I used to be a wise woman; many said a witch.
In blood red moon I’d dance free, bare flesh, not a stitch.
I took time off to be a mermaid, naked once again,
I loved to swim in the sea, and bathed in cool soft rain.
I stood and stirred the cauldron, in broth I tell this tale,
My sisters by my side, we waited starving for a male.
It seems men have it easy, are charming with great wit,
But we never met a man who could keep our fires lit.
We’re sisters of real beauty, with jet black raven hair,
The men would come and visit us, wide-eyed they had to stare.
We cast our spell upon them, as we chose who to bewitch,
They lay upon the heather, gasping breathless as they twitch.
I have to tell a secret, we’re not as lovely as we seem,
I stir the pot, seduce a man, my smouldering brew builds steam.
When he succumbs to passion, this woman takes control,
A foolish man becomes a toy, as I eat him whole.
A man obsessed by charm will walk the corners of the earth,
And give his love freely, when satisfied in his rebirth.
Then the woman who deceives him, will smile with pure delight,
She’ll love that man forever, but she changes him each night.
Kind Sir, I know you want me, you’re starving for my flesh,
Hubble bubble, it’s no trouble, each spell I cast is fresh.
Lay here beside me on soft bed, close your eyes to rest,
I’ll satisfy you only once, with cold and fruitless breast.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Once a Witch" exhibits a clear narrative progression and a consistent rhyme scheme, which contributes to its overall readability. The use of vivid imagery and metaphors, particularly in the depiction of the witch and her sisters, adds depth and intrigue to the narrative.
However, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of its themes. The depiction of men as easily bewitched and women as manipulative sorceresses risks reinforcing gender stereotypes. A more complex portrayal of these characters could add depth to the poem and challenge readers' expectations.
The rhythm of the poem is occasionally disrupted by lines that are significantly longer or shorter than others. Maintaining a more consistent meter throughout the poem could enhance its musicality and flow.
Lastly, the poem's language is generally clear and accessible, but there are moments where the wording could be refined for clarity. For example, the phrase "this woman tastes his mirth" is somewhat ambiguous and could be reworded for better comprehension.
Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong understanding of narrative and poetic structure, but could benefit from a deeper exploration of its themes, more consistent meter, and clearer language.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Yup,
Yup,
Count me in !!!
No need to bugger about with spells.
Always knew women were in charge.
yers, appreciatively, Obi.
Thanks Obi, women hey, spell
Thanks Obi, women hey, spell's cast to control men, end of, ha ha. Ruby :)
I'm captivated too...
I will say it again,'Tenses' mean something! Do not be afraid to add [esses, ed or anything to denote the proper time stamp]!
I think that in order to stay proper with "But [we]... it should be [we've noticed], there is only a soft syllable, which makes little difference.
Commas at :[My sisters[,] they're real beauties, I have to tell a secret[,] stir the pot[,] seduce a man[,] man forever[,]
Change: I [ate] to eat... Watch those tenses!
Add a syllable to: my [cold] dead breast.
This is good stuff! I like the darkness and the theme of witches. ~ Geez.
.
Thank you so much Geezer, I'm
Thank you so much Geezer, I'm grateful for your advice.
I think I've got everything you mentioned, but hey, you know, I'm easily distracted and confused.
Ruby :)
Again...
my pleasure. ~ Geez.
.
Great job
Interesting storytelling. Nice inclusion of the witch imagery from old popular literature. Excellent rhythm structure and rhyme.
Tim
Thank you Tim. I enjoyed
Thank you Tim. I enjoyed writing this one because of the story I came up with. Your comments are always appreciated, Ruby :)
I like the tempo...
in this cool adaptation to the mysterious "witch" that has been the bane of men for centuries. The mermaid blip was a neat twist also.
Just a suggestion to clean up the metre in the last line, just by changing two words
"I’ll satisfy you only once, with my fruitless and cold breast"
becomes...
I’ll satisfy you only once, with my cold and fruitless breast
You could take it a step further also by dropping the the word "my"
becomes...
I’ll satisfy you only once, with cold and fruitless breast!
Cheers! It's a good one!
Thomas
Hi Thomas, thank you for your
Hi Thomas, thank you for your input, yes it makes the metre better.
I'm very grateful for your suggestion and other comments.
I'm not the greatest at spotting things immedietly but your explanation and example were great and I could see it clearly when I read your post.
This was a great help, much appreciated, Ruby :)
Once A Witch
Hello, Ruby,
I can feel the fun you had with this! Enjoyed reading! It carries along in a fast, smooth rhythm and rhyme. I like the change on the final line. It wraps up the entire poem in a cold, witchlike fashion.
Thank you!
L
Hi Lavender, yes it was good
Hi Lavender, yes it was good fun to write this one and as I'm trying to write more positively, I nearly managed it ha ha.
Your comments as always, much appreciated. Thank you for reading my poem and taking the time to make a comment, Ruby :)
AHA!
It's true. You've changed your appearance once again!
Question is...are you a good witch...or a bad witch?
I see you're also stepping up your metre. Looking good!
Thomas
How would you know, I could
How would you know, I could be both, which/witch, I think we all are, or is that just me?
Thank you so much for your comments, they are appreciated and always useful and you've given me the spark I needed today. Ruby :)