judyanne

Jan 27, 2015

This poem is part of the workshop:

"Sonnets"...Let's Know More

(Read More...)

one solution edited with alternate sextet (Sonnet WS - Petrarchan Sonnet - exercise 4 - Wesley's challenge)

Poem Body

the rich get rich, the poor get poorer, true
as finance funds the power structure quest
affluent with authority are blest
while making rules that benefit the few

with ignorant and selfish aims they screw
just anyone they can, from east to west
not caring half a damn who’s life's a jest
for others’ pain and care, they have no clue

so build a spaceship, fill it up with they
who benefit to prejudice of some
I speak about those flimflammers that prey
on innocent and gullible and dumb
the world, I’m sure would be a lesser grey
if only rid of detrimental scum

............

alternate sextet - just for fun.

so make a miniature of every town
and bottle them – plastic will be fine
then build a ray to shrink those villains down
and after darkness plaster them with wine
when drunk, let's slip them through the bottle's crown
they'll wake up unaware of any crime
.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I ask to be excused with my alternate sextet having an hyphen to be used as an unstressed (silent) syllable, and for the not perfect rhyme of fine, wine ... crime. i know they are not allowed in this WS... sorry boss :) ........ lol - Is it more of an original solution, do you think?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

Comments

Excellent sonnet,

but as for the spaceship idea... been there thought that. Also, desert island or my personal favorite the volcano.
As for the sonnet I can find no fault with the form. A classical piece Petrarch himself would claim.
Lest I forget. A very clear volta.

thanks Wesley

your comments are greatly appreciated, along with the very lovely compliment
yeah - i guess the spaceship idea isn't so original - lol - shall i try again?
has a miniaturising machine, put them in a kid's play village, been thought of'?
love judy
xxx

Ha ha

Wes - like the idea of a volcano!

Lol Judy

A spaceship? Hahaha

just one line I am not happy with
AFflu/ent WITH/ auTHO/rity /are blessed

can you see it?
Well done as always dear!

checked my dictionary before i included it Rula

it can be pronounced either aff -LU- ent, or AFF-lu-ENT...
thanks Rula
love judy
xxx

YOU are correct

hi

It's really tough to make the speech in these things sound uncontrived isn't it? Like 3rd line in stanza one. It screams for one more word to start the line such as 'While" or "as". but scansion won't allow. Would "As affluent with bounty are blessed work?
Stanza 2 line one. Try replacing and selfish with self serving for more natural speech pattern. Is west and messed perfect rhyme?
Last stanza second line. This sounds a bit convoluted. Maybe something like : who benefit from injustice to some
last stanza line 4 Too many "ands"? try ; on the the innocent the guileless and dumb
Last line.... not a thing wrong with the structure or sound but in word choice I'd have said "such blood sucking" instead of detrimental lol.
Now what the heck can I find these suggestions(which probably mess uo scansion) so easily here but can't spot such things in my own?.........cussed sonnets lol

lol stan – you are going to be the death of me

Here, I have written the poem as prose – not changed a word – just punctuated. To me it reads quite naturally.

You might note that your problem with verse three in stanza one, is covered by the ‘as’ at the beginning of verse two. ... And your suggestion ‘as affluent with bounty are blessed’, again is out meter-wise (and really not needed) ..

The rich get rich; the poor get poorer, true. As finance funds the power structure quest, affluent, with authority, are blessed, while making rules that benefit the few. With ignorant and selfish aims they screw just anyone they can, from east to west, not caring half a damn whose life is messed. For others’ pain and care, they have no clue.

So build a spaceship, fill it up with they who benefit to prejudice of some. I speak about those flimflammers that prey on innocent and gullible and dumb. The world, I’m sure, would be a lesser grey, if only rid of detrimental scum.

Tell me – do you just want to change words for the sake of changing words? – lol – I check each word I use carefully and use the one I think is best.....
selfish – self-serving .... ‘selfish’ is a word used just as much as ‘self-serving’ in ‘ordinary’ speech.. and ‘SEL-fish’ fits the scansion – ‘SELF-SERV-ing’ does not. I really don’t understand your continued comments re ‘more natural speech pattern’

Just what do you have against ‘prejudice’- it is a commonly used word – and i think sounds poetic where it is used here.
and goodness me, Stan – can you not hear it yet?
‘who BEN- e-FIT from in-JUST-ice to SOME’...
and ‘SUCH BLOOD SUCK- ing
-nowhere near iambic.

I like the two (lol there are only only two) ‘ands’ in verse 4, stanza 3 – I purposely used them for the emphasis....

But you are probably correct with the querying of the rhyme scheme.. quest, blessed, west, messed – they are the same sound when said, but they are obviously different on paper... I will have to check it out somehow – meanwhile I will have another think

thanks Stan for the effort and time taken with your review
love judy
xxx

so Stan

I have changed those two rhymes .... and thanks to you for my having to rethink them, I like these better - especially ' blest' - it brings in thoughts of divine power (lol - that they think they have)
love judy
xxx

Brilliant!

This is great Judy! I well be referring to it for future reference.

Great work :)

Love Mand xxx

thank you Mand

Love judy
xxx

Lol judy

I also thought the new sestet to be so original :)

You're always forgiven Judyanne,

even when they take you away will I support you.
Each tercet should be an end stop. However, it can't be picked on because this is the first we've mentioned it. (sorry there, my slip).
The second ending is just as funny as the first and (forgive me again) not much more original.
I have to thank you for your participation. It has been invaluable.

lol - thanks Wes

they may very well soon come and get me too

re the sentence endings for the tercets - i presume that means the same would apply for couplets?

love judy
xxx