Our Love Story is Tones Travelling Through Space

but it could be better, you have so much to work with here. I have a few ideas, i would love to share with you. Regards Roscoe..

This is lovely Mona, I feel here and there it needs to be slightly more, what, yes poetic, as some of what you say makes what you are saying less important to you somehow. I have said it before, I am no person who knows the forms of poetry well, I am only reacting honestly to this as you asked us to, and suggesting things that have no need to be taken heed of, just to tell you what I think.

The whole idea is lovely and the tones visiting your balcony, a la Romeo and Juliet,and knocking or tapping on your door is quite beautiful. Also some of the ideas are somewhat new and exciting, but here are my thoughts:-

"Knocked my door"...(tapped at my door)
"Each movement of your fingers on those keys"...(on the keys)
"That music took me beyond my thoughts and the moment...(A music that took me beyond my thoughts, the moments,(?))
I will believe those songs is meant to be for me" ...(those songs were meant for me.)

"You are playing your music on my veins so be gentle" ...(Play gently, your music on my veins)

"Let’s sleep in each other’s eyes
And get the warm from the passion of our hearts"...(and warm to the passion of our hearts)

"I’ve been seized in my false dreams for ages"...(Long seized by false dreams...... release me etc)

"And keep me in your dreams where...(keep me in your dreams where
I can touch the reality..( touch reality)

Take me my beloved
And let me be a part of you"...(let me be a part of you)

"This is the only dance I would to know"...(the only dance I wish to know)

"Only me and you...(just you and I)

Our lips said everything without speaking...( our lips say all,)

Our eyes said everything"...( our eyes say all, no words)

"I’m not a good swimmer..( I do not swim)

Let me drown in your eyes...( so let me drown in your eyes)

And sleep there to the eternity"...(to sleep there for eternity)

"One song or two won’t be a hope...(not one song, or two suffice to waken hope)

For two lovers divided by the space..( two lovers lost in space)

we should play our music together"...(should join our music, play our song)

"my heart full with stories and...( my heart now full with stories)

I can’t tell you how to love me...( I can tell you how to love me)

let’s have the next step...( so take the step)

let’s celebrate our first birthday...( lets celebrate this birthday, 'tis our first)

Let’s defeat these boundaries...(defy the boundaries)

Let’s break all rules"... (break the rules)

My beloved
"Each tone travels in the space is telling our love story..( each tone spans space and tells our tale)

Don’t drive me to the end of evening...(don't push me forward to the end of day)

Don’t give me a good bye kiss with...( Don't tender me a last kiss with)

The last tone you play on your piano

One fact I know

I want to free my desires only with you"...( I want to free my desire with you only)

My love to you Mona, from Ann of Norway "Nordic cloud".

Ann's feedback is superb, you should take notice.

I can only add that I think the title reads a bit awkwardly.
Our Love Story is Tones Travels through the Space
perhaps
Our Love Story is Tones That Travel Through Space
or
Our Love Story is a Tone That Travels Through Space
or
Our Love Story is Tones Travelling Through Space

I didn't even ponder the title at all.

Tones of love travel through space

Tones of love defy space

The notes of love tap at my door

Love is music spanning space

Loves solicitations, the touching note

Piano of love songs taps at my door

Music speaks in notes through space

How music seduces my heart

Its all up to you Mona, you're the writer but
I had fun thinking around your title, the poem is still good!

Love Ann.

.

Wow Wee I can feel your passion in every single word, this is so full of love and desire. great work

cation

Mona, dear Mona, coming to this poem brushed with the loving hands of friends reminds me why we all need each other, and why I love poetry to the Beloved.

~A

An alternative title, perhaps: "Our Love in Tones Traveling Through the Story Space"

Before I read you
Tell me if you
R
Mona one
Or
mona2
The one who’s pop is ill
Or
ARE YOU
The Arabian nights
Shifty my poems
U now don't read
But your read
Is my greed
And
The world now does
Yours
Alone read.

after reading through your very emotive poem and comments and suggestions of made by our very carng friends here on Neopoet like Ann..Anna...and others ,,,i would like to say this:-

the rarest and most beautifull fragrances & scents come to us from nature in their wildest forms...the essence and fragrance of your poem too is like that...i could feel those emotions free flowing from your heart while you expressed it in this write...the idea of using the gentle notes and tunes from a piano is a wonderfull idea...

coming to the means of expression ..you need to be applauded for your efforts in using the english language though you are not fluent with it as yet...with time and practice you will surely be able to improve upon that....i am more than sure that in arabic which is your comfort zone..this beautifull write would certainly be more beautifull..having said that...i must tell you that the essence of your poem is truly beautifull....i am sure you will benifit from the suggestions given by our friends here and you will use them during the editing...

there is certainly no ambiguity....it surely pours out in true liquid emotions from your beautiful heart..

much love....

I love this poem, it made me read slowly aloud and think about every word you're saying. I might offer changes, but I don't want to, because I love it. You have a special, poetic voice and its yours and should be nurtured.

JohnXxx

To let all know that by Mona's request I'll be trying with her aid to help her put this in a classic form over the next few days. We will do each step here on her page so all can view the process ( also by her request). Hope ya'll enjoy this as much as we will.......................scribbler

When I read this I couldn't critique.The beautiful, passionate honesty take you and it's love. The essence of poetry is the truth on which the words are hung. The rest is arrangement. I don't underestimate the importance of form, style, and the intellectual mathematics of poetry, as in music it is that fusion that creates the finished product. This represents a departure from extremes for me, but it seems no one lives in the stasis of equilibrium. I seem to like it on the edges. It's a better view. A lovely endeavor- whatever should be moved here, or there with all due respect to my considerate colleagues.

B

I don't quite understand your emphasis on cultural differences. Are we all not alike? Clothing aside?

B

After reading above comments, I fear this alternative doesn't equal the original. I see that you would also be open to another title,therefore.........

Two Tones Becoming Melody

When playing your piano, love
your music drifted to my balcony
tapping upon my door above
enticing me to come and see

Each time a finger stroked a key
a thrilled sensation was in me wrought
by songs I hope were meant for me
as your music transcended thought

Now beloved move your skills to me
let gentle fingers make my heart race
in a reality which I can see
within the warmth of your embrace

Let's sleep in one anothers' eyes
as our passion speeds our hearts
for too long in dreams would love arise
don't titillate me with false starts

Release from mere dreams where
I can touch reality
now! my dear please take me there
to where our love can truly be

I long to be between your arms
the only dance I wish to know
is one where we can share our charms
and, alone, feel our love grow

Our silent lips can not disguise
a love like mine and yours
I wish to close my longing eyes
then, waking, see the world through yours

Now smoke it over and make changes where needed. Ideas from others also encouraged..........scribble

I love the title I hope you don't change it. There is too much emphasis on perfection. It means something to you. And I think your first instinct should be respected.

JohnXxx

Welcome back. Hope you're safe and your family.
I am happy to meet an Arab friend here.
I am looking for your new writings.