Unca Fez
Unca Fez
Jan 11, 2024

Poison

Poem Body

Brussel sprouts, spinach
Promise of their vile flavor
My childhood poison

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Wisconsin, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Candlewitch: I've been reading her poetry for over forty years., Paul Simon: "The Sounds of Silence" got me interested, but "Patterns" and "A Poem On The Underground Wall" really hooked me., Gordon Lightfoot: I acquired his "Sundown" album while in the Navy. "Circle of Steel" resonated with me and I have been an avid fan since.

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively utilizes the Haiku structure, maintaining the traditional 5-7-5 syllable count across its three lines. The choice of everyday vegetables as the subject matter grounds the poem in a relatable experience, which is a common feature of Haiku.

However, the poem could benefit from the inclusion of a kigo, or a season word, which is a traditional element of Haiku. This would provide a temporal context to the poem and deepen its connection to nature.

The use of the word 'poison' is a strong choice that conveys a sense of aversion and distaste. However, the phrase 'Promise of their vile flavor' could be refined. The word 'promise' typically has positive connotations, which may conflict with the negative tone you're aiming for. Consider using a word that more directly conveys the impending unpleasantness of the experience.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more vivid depiction of the sensory experience. Instead of telling the reader that the flavor is 'vile', show them how it affects the speaker. This could be achieved by using more descriptive language or by incorporating a metaphor or simile.

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Geezer

what you are saying! As a child, I didn't care much for spinach. I could eat it from a can, but not fresh spinach. My father was a big fresh spinach aficionado, no canned stuff for him! Unfortunately, he inflicted it on us children too; by making us sit there and gag it down. Ugh! Childhood poison! Yes! A great description. ~ Geez.
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Unca Fez

My "sit at the table until you finish it" was sauerkraut. I've since come to really like it, but, to my 6-year-old palate, it was corrosive! I think, perhaps, everyone has a "sit at the table until you finish it" food.

RoseBlack

Along with several others. I got lucky and my kids like all even some I would never have thought. This was a fun one!

Lavender

I agree - a fun write! Nice form! Wish there was room for lima beans in there somewhere...
Thank you!
L

C

Good poem

Isn't is funny how those poisons of our childhood
often become delicacies of adulthood!