Poem Body
PORCELAIN SKY
In fragile dress,
where trees like ballet dancers
stress,
decked in beaten cream
and lace,
twigged skeletons.
No green to see
one black crow against
the milky cloud,
his voice the only note
on day's new score.
It is as if
when venturing out
to step in frozen wet,
the scene will shatter in
a thousand stars,
a happening, effect.
Framed by the window,
this pastel view,
puts nature on the other side,
her place,
we both regard so long
face to face.
Comments
Dear Ann
I loved this poem there are a couple of places that need tidying up for flow purposes, if you read it out loud you will see what I mean .. I really enjoyed the images your poem brought to mind and I love the title ... as always a pleasure to read you big smile
love and hugs JC
Anna
the title brought me in and I wasn't disappointed. A beautiful descriptive piece with great lively images.
I especially liked the opening stanza
The porcelain sky
in fragile dress,
where trees like ballet dancers
stress,
decked in beaten cream
and lace,
twigged skeletons,
as it tells all
but find these lines a bit blured
a happening, effect,
warmed by the little feet
of blue tits
on the scrounge,
their feathers puffed,
may be you don't need the break if it is a continuation to the previous one. or may be I am missing something.
hi after a long absence
PORCELAIN SKY would change this as you repeat it in the first line, You could make the title The Porcelian sky and the first line 'in fragile dress...'
The porcelain sky
in fragile dress,
where trees like ballet dancers
stress,
decked in beaten cream
and lace,
twigged skeletons, this is a wonderful first stanza
no green to see
(only) one black crow against 'only' is redundant given the next word is 'one'
the milky cloud,
his voice the only note
on day's new score. this stanza is also sonically and visually fine
It is as if when venturing It is as if when venturing out (sounds more natural)
to step out into the frozen wet
into frozen wet,
the scene will shatter (in) into?
a thousand stars,
a happening(,) effect,
warmed by the little feet little is a weak descritor they're hardly likely to have big feet
of blue tits
on the scrounge,
their feathers puffed, I like this too, although blue tits' feet warming the stars is a stretch
so blue and yellow,
a glint from dawn's sun
in their eye,
framed by the window, you lose the flow/rhythm in this S, 'a glint of dawn shine' would work as it is 'dawn's' is too long a syllabul and sun is also redundant.
this, the view,
puts nature
on the other side,
her place,
we both regard so long
face to face. you refind the rhythm here except for 'so long' which makes face to face too abrupt,
suggest 'we long regarded
face to face'
I really liked this, you definitely have a strong empathy with your surroundings, also the free verse works wonderfully except to my ear where i have mentioned. It may read differently to you, I find different dialects etc make a big difference to how poetry is heard/read now English poetry is so international.
I agree,
I agree with Ross on the first line but I'd do this, ( The bluest of skys in fragile dress, ) and describing the Blue Tits, ( sky blue with yellow, a glint from dawn's sun in their eyes, ) Beautiful winter poem. Love Roscoe...
a couple of tiny things
a couple of tiny things
‘only one black crow against
the milky cloud,
his voice the only note
on day's new score.’ – I would drop the first ‘only’
and
‘It is as if when venturing
to step out
into frozen wet,
the scene will shatter in
a thousand stars,’
I think this thought needs to be clarified a little
‘it is as if’ – to ‘makes one feel as if’ (only you can probably think of a more poetic way to say it
and finally
- I would move ‘framed by the window’ to start the next stanza
beautiful descriptive annanya
but I expect no less from you
love judy
xxx
Dear Jayne, Rula, Ross,
Dear Jayne, Rula, Ross, Roscoe, judyanne, what fine eyes I have to see my words, and view my words. This was not worked on in any way, I just threw it straight on here after writing it, and, like you saw the flaws. Thank you for your good advice, I may leave it now, but feel I could come back, but then, I could write another on the same theme, I must have hundreds as I have photographs of the 'famous' view, now. Ever a satisfying theme, a big part of the canvas of my day.
Just LOOK now, the early frosty sun has lit up the forests and they are amazingly green, in its light, snow and ice on the ground, and those undressed trees in the middle distance are pink, with a larch that still bears her needles in green and gold in front, the dark firs a minority closer to, very dark green.The sky, well just grey.
I haven't been posting all my poems as when one is to enter a competition, one hasn't to have published them, and this is called publishing isn't it? Or is it? Lovely to have you look out of my window with me, love from me.
VERY NICE LET ALL Enjoy and oh boy ,compose another one
Just LOOK now, the early frosty sun has lit up the forests and they are amazingly green, in its light, snow and ice on the ground, and those undressed trees in the middle distance are pink, with a larch that still bears her needles in green and gold in front, the dark firs a minority closer to, very dark green.The sky, well just grey.
This is an everyday scene in Canada ....
takes it for granted, not so me
And yet each day they seem to have changed,
even so subtly that the average eye cannot see it.
People are always saying that one gets tired of a
view and takes it for granted, not so me. Ann.
Please don't change it
The sum of the imperfections makes the whole vision.
There's editing when there is something radically wrong...and then there is the appreciation of the moment captured through the poet's lexis. If the 'sound' is perfect...the vividness of the vocabulary disappears.....and it ends up being a mash of other poets ideas. I thought this was just lovely and evocative.
'Betty'
imo
one 'off'' word can destroy a poem - thus the importance of editing
- just my opinion as i say, but i remember reading an article written by a poetry competition judge who said exactly the same thing, and that, when judging, in his first reading of the entries he threw to the side any poem that might have the slightest fault
love judy
xxx
Betty, in 2 short weeks I like you and your work
But this comment is a dumb as bricks. No poem is perfect and the whole purpose of Neopoet is to help us improve our craft, which can't be done without editing.
Did your poem "Erased" not benefit from suggestions and editing?
oh elf...
My comment isn't dumb....it's taken to mean listen to the poet...yes of course offer to shape or tweek....but i've noticed some poets offer whole re-writes....surely that's not what it's about.
The poet takes ownership...he/she can choose to take advice...i've seen too many comments where it states..."it's not right...you must do this..."....NO! we don't have to do anything! We can come to Neopoet and lay bare our work for critique...and/or we can choose to comment on it or not. We don't all want to be in workshop mode, we just want to express...and in the process hone our craft through empirical practice.
I wouldn't ever say your comments are dumb. I think therefore i feel.
Ellie.
PS I tweeked 'Erased..."....I did not structurally alter it one jot. I was quite clear what I wanted to say about my ideas.
PPS....still like the socks :))
All good points,
Except that Neopoet is by definition workshop mode. Sorry for calling your comment dumb, I'll remove my foot from my mouth now (those shoes are big and the socks don't taste as good as they look)
freeverse
Clue is in the title , is it not? You obviously understand the rules about constructing poetry....so frankly, you can break them!
'Betty'
I'm not the one to ask,
but I understand where Betty is coming from (even if I could never subscribe to the practice myself). There is something to be said about simply placing a moment on the page and leaving it for All And Aye, but I do tend to think it is for poetry to be shared among friends (NeoPoet... sort of) and not finished work.
But then... one must consider the source. I am nothing if not the EditKid. Endless Revision is my mantra, so you'll never read anything by me that was just "dashed out".
Hell, I edit my critiques.
Good to meet you Betty and I'll check out some of your stuff as soon as my battery recharges.
Snow you are as much outstanding
as most over here,
like me particularly ..
are standing out
anyone can that see ..
you too ...
so now you also
don't read me..
Ann
As a piece fresh from the pen without edit and as rough as sandpaper, this was lovely to read. One day maybe you may wish to put the meter and other things in there but as it is it is fine.
You take care out there, I feel the cold winds of Winters breath seeking out our fragile bodies, Yours Ian.T
Thank you Ian, yes a horrid
Thank you Ian, yes a horrid DAMP day its been today,
but when the sun hit the horizon, it blazed the heavens
into an apricot ocean, quite breathtaking. When all is
bathed in orange light it is magical; that compensates
for the long grey drag of a dripping Sunday. Love Ann.