Seek you the lord of elves in the house of pleasure
Lost is his mind, betrayed by his younger brother
Let him drink this potion to break the spell on him
Stand by his side and help him reclaim his kingdom.
SEEK you the/ KING of / ELVES in the /HOUSE of /PLEAsure
LOST is his/ MIND, be/TRAYED by his/ YOUNGer /BROther
LET him /DRINK this /POtion to /BREAK the /SPELL on him
STAND by his/ SIDE and/ HELP him re/CLAIM his/ KINGdom
Last Few Words: This is an attempt on a poem using dactyl and trochee combo.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
BRAVO!
Best thing you've ever written because it was written with precision and emotion. You have written a poem (and you used the harder of the modes).
Yes I did, Wes
Thank you for teaching me what I did not know.
Alid
Salam brother
amazing how fast you could master these two meters. I knew what dactyl and trochee are, but never practiced them and my attempt as you saw was aweful, but I won't give up.
You are absolutely exemplary.
Thanks for sharing
Salam, Rula
Here's my thoughts on this attempt on the poem with the combo for the harder meters, if I am successful, so can you, if I fail, I know my own weakness and I will learn and practice until I can do it. I want to prove to others that if I, a poet who is still a student of the art can deal with this, so can you who are better poets than me.
You say its amazing how fast I could master them. Rula, you are the one who told me how to do it. Don't you remember? By checking the dictionary for each word to get it right. So, thank you.:D
Alid
Thank you brother
I think the reason behind my failure is that I tried to play with polysyllabic words especially the first word, and since the start was bad, what follows was bad too.
Salam, Rula
Maybe that's right. Now that you know the mistake, you can rectify it with help from the dictionary. Mmmm. I try to stay away with long words with more than 2 syllable count to make it easy to check the flow of the meter but that's just me.
Alid
Alid
Good to see the progress you are making, worthy of admiration. I say this not based on my understanding of these meters, but purely based on comments made by experts who have commented before me.
Regards,
Raj
Thank you for the visit and comment. I still got alot to learn. I see this piece as a trial. Haven't truly master the form yet but a first step to making some progress.
Alid