Poem Body
You stand right before me
in admiration
of self emulated beauty
your giggle is spontaneous
but genuine
then you break down
into a seeming reunion
now you dance
after a refreshing bath
let your towel fall
without a trace of wrath
then you laugh,
the world may hear
as you are seemingly calling
for your loved dear
finally through life’s magnetic trance
you wander
and
mindlessly ballet dance
as raw beauty emerges,
as fresh as it can be
your loved one is an implanted
fiancée you see
now it’s all over
the mirror cracks
all curves break
cheeks smack
some get stark mad!
Comments
When you are good you are very, very good.
As Ian pointed out recently, when I am tough on you, even abusive, it is because I know you can be brilliant and your self-reflexive Neopoet poems, pandering to those that are nice to you shit me to tears because they demean yourself. and are as petulantly attention-seeking as a spoilt little girl.
This poem has the ring of authenticity, the sexuality/sensuality is not the least bit icky, the emotion real, not sentimental.
The last line spoils it for me, all of a sudden it goes from being personal and accountable to alienating yourself from the genuine personal and endearing self-revelation.
Perhaps something like
This, my return to you
Not those exact words, something that includes yourself in the betrayal instead of just blame.
A fine poem, notwithstanding, my dear.
I hope my reading does it some justice,
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ZVqrTzFyqJ
my heart palpitates
as I read your evaluation
with tears
Sir,
I know your love in particular
for the real poet in me ,
to be brought to surface
thank you Sir
Grateful
Last line will be removed.
I can be an utter bastard,
but I'm a caring utter bastard.
just read by Jess only
just can't believe it
really
Loved
Sometimes just sometimes I write about other poets here and then you slip through the net, damn I missed one of your good ones.
You see I keep telling you about how you can write, Jess has been your mentor for as long as I can remember, and all he has kept saying is that you can write great pieces.
This being one of them..
If you think about it he has looked out for you as have I for a few years now, our reward is pieces like this, but don't get carried away you still have to write that tiny bit better, and listen to Jess.
He has supported you in the form and style of writing I just hold your thoughts for those split seconds, Take care, Yours Ian.T
then you slip through the net, damn I missed one of your good on
....then you slip through the net, ...damn I missed one of your good ones....''''Ian
I tell all my good friends
that Ian and Jess
are the lights
the torches
the candles
the flames
and just say any names
who have reached out
from earthly to heaven domains
to teach me poetic games
which one day
some day
all poets will frame
in their minds
as do you two
and
I love the way you polish a poet,
innocent of poetic nuances
like you always do
you two
Loved
I had read your streamed piece before this comment, thanks both times.
You have a great time and live within the bounds of what you perceive as you, go well young Bard,
Yours Ian .T
thanks Ian
shall
Sad only
Jess and Ian read this good piece
Sad only
Jess and Ian read this good piece
such a lovely poem
read by
only Jess and Ian