Poem Body
Self-depreciated, self-contained
afraid to show true face
Remaining nameless, by design
they're lost in the human race.
Bereft of praise and reassurance,
skating on thin ice, it seems
rememberance of better times
and their unbroken dreams.
Depression pushes down on them
then secrets manifold,
They cannot trust, they do not dare,
the secret story is untold.
Dark and dangerous mental state
do they dare to live?
Desperately flailing, signaling,
" Have I more to give?"
We all can be alone, just us,
but, we don't have to be.
Kindness lurks in the human heart,
we just have to set it free.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses rhyme and rhythm to convey a sense of melancholy and introspection. The exploration of themes such as depression, isolation, and hope is well-executed, creating a poignant narrative that resonates with the reader.
There are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact. The phrase "they're lost in the human race" in the first stanza could be more specific to better establish the subjects of the poem. Similarly, the phrase "rememberance of better times" in the second stanza could benefit from more specific imagery to evoke a stronger emotional response.
The transition from the fourth to the fifth stanza is somewhat abrupt. The shift from despair to hope could be more gradual or better explained to maintain the poem's emotional continuity.
Lastly, the final line "we just have to set it free" could be rephrased to avoid the cliché and provide a more unique and impactful conclusion.
Overall, the poem effectively explores complex emotional themes and has a strong narrative arc. With a few adjustments for clarity and specificity, it could be even more powerful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Good one indeed sir
I especially like the imagery in "skating on thin ice" and "Desperately flailing, signaling.
And it's always good to give that kick of hope.
Best wishes
Thank you for sharing
Dearest Geezer,
I was greatly taken by the first verse, lines:
"Remaining nameless, by design
they're lost in the human race."
they are as memorable as an old book that claims "In the beginning..." I read the rest of the poem was the explanation of an epiphany! (You should consider putting your wisdom into a book! If you do, please let me know where I can make a purchase.
*hugs, Cat
I am...
just a poor student of the human condition; we all have our epiphanic moments. Of course, some of us are shameless, and seek any means to join the rest of the world and garner such praise as you have lavished upon myself. Thank you for all the warmth of a virtual hug! ~ Geez.
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Also...
from the beginning, I remember reading your poetry and the moon man's works resulting in being enchanted by sagacity and genius with great humor! they should be paying you! lol!
*another hug, (the) Cat
Thank you...
Seems like it was yesterday! Glad that you are still with us, you have been a friend and great poet for all the time I've known you. ~ Geez.
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Depression
Certainly robs us of much. I like how you stated we don't have to be alone...depression tells many lies and that we are better off alone is one of them. Well done.
Thank you...
You know that I consider you a daughter I never had; so, I want to tell you that I find your heart the best part of you.
I never have to ask myself what you are feeling; while wearing your heart on your sleeve is not the easiest thing to do, it certainly is the most honest. Scott looks good on you. ~ Geez.
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Thank you
You have no idea how much that means to me. You and Wendy are certainly the extra set of parents I have needed especially these last few years. I cannot thank you both enough for everything. Scott is a great guy and I am really lucky he chose me.