Candlewitch

Jun 27, 2011

This poem is part of the workshop:

Olympic Pool (initial workshop)

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Description:

Workshop for those who have graduated from the Splash Pool or are ready to take their poetry skills to the next level. This workshop should offer encouraging and more critical feedback from each other and the Moderators/Leaders. Main purpose of workshop is to help the attendees improve their own poetry skills and helping them to offer more detailed critique.

Chrys (China Blue) (Leader)
Enda (Ziggy) (Moderator)
Boni (Bonitaj) (Moderator)
Ian (Yenti) (Moderator)
Cat (candlewitch)(moderator)

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WORKSHOP - Critique Skills:

Workshop commences - 16 May 2011.

This workshop will cover the basic skills of critiquing. We will begin with a discussion of The importance of same.
Topics for discussion
Helpul VS a pat on the back
Why critque at all
Paying close attention to the Author's request(found at the end of each poem)
Questions and answers

All participants will abide by the workshop guidelines, including but not limited to
respect of each other, work submitted, and personal attacks.

Ten participants will be accepted on a first come first served basis. Submit your request to attend to my private message box China Blue

Requirements:

Each participant will bring one poem taken from the stream. This poem cannot be of someone they "always" critque".
Time will only allow a limited amount of poems to be crtiqued in the workshop. Therefore your workshop leader will select the poems from those submitted. Poems will be handled one at a time from beginning of critique to completion , then the next will be taken in order.

Process:
Participants must devote 14 days to the workshop
Those that have time limits on the use of the computers should contact me or Dan (Hooded Stranger) and we will try to work on an alternative solution.

* Each participant will submit along with the poem "Their" critque of the same

This will be critiqued by other participants, which will culminate in a complete critque which may be posted. Blatant errors will be corrected. We will be more concerned with the process of the critique

This workshop is closed.

A Rewrite Of A Cliched Poem

Poem Body

Come Running

You take my affections for granted
Thinking that I will always be there for you
Making a mockery of our relationship
What once we had is almost gone
Because of your light handling
Showing me a lack of respect at best
I can see why your other lovers left you behind
As you treat us all the same
Wearing your blinders on love's trail
You assume if you keep dancing
You can't be pinned down
Your feigning like a boxer
Wears me out to watch your show
Sometimes you resemble a bitch in heat
Our bed still warm while you jump into the next
You skim the best from the top
But are nowhere to be found
When harsh times find my door
You give yourself away
When you don't stop to think before you speak
This is acquired behavior
Not the product of deep reflection
Showing up at my door
When the world is too much reality
And your nights have become too cold
I feel sorry for you
In all your shallow short sightedness
Love is something you play at
You will never know the patient heart
Or the fruits of loves labor
So regrettably I turn you loose

---------the cliched poem below------

All Hands To The Pump

You keep me on the down low
telling me that it's all good
And all is fair in love and war
But it ain't nothing but a chicken wing
because too many cooks spoil the broth
of your nasty little acid test
your love is blind to my needs
and your rolling stone gathers no moss
You're free as a bird as you roam
Like a seven year itch
Taking only the icing on the cake
You think that love is as scarce as hen's teeth
But you're hot to trot a mile a minute
Saying "I'm game"
You don't know that silence is golden
Because you're rotten to the core
You think I'm a necessary evil
As the lesser of two evils
When you could keep your nose to the grindstone
And hit that ball and knock it out of the park
Knock the cover off the ball
With you it is age before beauty
You Can't see that my love is
Fresh as a Summer's rain
And deeper than the deepest ocean

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'm not finished with this as it need punctuation and I will add this. I'm not happy with the title either, I'm very open to suggestions. This is the re-write of a poem constructed of a list of cliches.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Dear Chrys,

Yes I did mean "granted" thanks for the catch! I'll change it out. Thanks for reading and commenting :)

always, Cat

Dear Cat

Nice Switch from Cliched to non-cliched...

i suggest you change the following line

Your moving and checking like a boxer

change to

Your feigning like a boxer

i think this would go very well with the dodgy character in your poem

much love..

Cat

This has really great flow smooth
wonderful read w/o the cliche's

Cat

it's not usual style and yet is unmistakably yours, because of the clever wordplay, I think you have managed to avoid the cliches.

Love Lou

Cat

Cat,

obviously this reads 100 times better without the cliches and your personality is showing through, but this doesn't feel like your usual writes and that is because you are re-writing a piece that again, you wouldn't normally do. This has been a tough assignment, but you have done well with the re-write.

Title suggestion - "I turn you loose"

regards,

much love..

VERY NICE

I too enjoyed it
and congrats
well deserved poem

Thank You

Raj, Loved and Yenti.