I was locked in the basement without any light
Chained to the furnace since Saturday night
A small bowl of dogfood, a bit of warm water
I was paying my penance, just like I oughta
I made the mistake, of not paying attention
The Queen took my silence, for a transgression
Which would it be, sharp whips or cold chains?
I smelled in the dark... the floor's bloody stains
She's crazy, I know, and she's coming for me
I thought I was strong, I guess now we'll see
The door makes a creak, at the top of the stair
She appears in the light, nude, but for hair
She saunters like liquid, all fire and ice
She's snapping her whip, her smile isn't nice
Well, what have we here, is this my bad boy?
The look on her face, is pure evil and joy
Woooo, pretty baby, I'm right where you left me
I'm such a bad boy; you must punish me, see?
I'm joking of course, but the lash cuts my skin
I twist and I turn, as it all starts again
No one to hear, and my screams echo loud
She plays to her visions, a blood-thirsty crowd
I wish I said "NO" when they asked; was I safe?
My screams are too little, and very much late
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem employs a narrative style, which effectively conveys a chilling and dark story. The use of first-person perspective draws the reader into the protagonist's experience, enhancing the emotional impact.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. For instance, the second stanza has a different syllabic count compared to the others, which disrupts the flow.
The imagery is vivid and contributes to the overall dark and unsettling atmosphere. The line "She saunters like liquid, all fire and ice" is particularly effective in portraying the antagonist's menacing character.
The use of dialogue in the poem, such as "Well, what have we here, is this my bad boy?", adds another layer of interaction between the characters. However, it might be more impactful if the dialogue was integrated more seamlessly into the narrative, rather than appearing disjointed.
The poem ends on a note of regret, which brings a sense of closure to the narrative. However, the final line "My screams are too little, and very much late" could be rephrased for clarity and to maintain the poem's rhythm.
Overall, the poem successfully tells a dark and disturbing story, but could benefit from some improvements in rhythm, meter, and dialogue integration.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Sir Gee
An amazing narrative drama.
I thought the consistent rhythm and rhythm worked hand in hand to enhance the whole thing.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you...
I thought that my meter was pretty consistent, and the rhyme good too. I'm glad that you liked the drama, it was a story I made up, from a couple of sources. ~ Geez.
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The writing is good with
The writing is good with between ten to twelve beats per line, and the rhymes near perfect. I like the story, but admit it is not totally clear to me. I came up with different scenarios, some of them wild, some of them mild, some of them innocent.
Tyro
The story is...
about a woman who thinks she is royalty. She has a dominatrix set-up in her basement, and she chains her boy-toy to the furnace for inconsequential offenses and beats and tortures him. I was going to make it about a sadomasochist and her minion, or the masochist, but decided that he would be an unwilling partner. Thanks for the read and comments, ~ Geez.
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Hi Geez.
Loved it. Readers should not look for meanings just let their imagination flow. Alex
Glad...
you loved it. I tried to tell it in a coherent manner to make sense of it, I did add the twist at the end, because I wasn't sure how to end it at first; but settled for the unwilling participant. Thanks again, ~ Geez.
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Do you feel safe...
This is great! I love how he's at her mercy regretting that he ever said yes
I thought that...
you would enjoy this one in particular. I must admit, it turned out a bit different than I originally intended; but then, many of mine do. I just let my muse run with it, and once again she produced a gem from a rough piece of rock. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
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Ok, so I did understand it.
Ok, so I did understand it. My hesitation was in believing my interpretation was too spicy to be right
If you...
look through my works, you will find that I am not afraid to tread the line between what might be spicy and too hot. Sometimes, I get shut down, and not more than one comment, and others are well-received, like the one previous to this. Ahhh well, no chances taken, nothing gained. Thank you for your read and comments. ~ Geezer.
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Look, I'll give yer five quid
Look, I'll give yer five quid fer her address !
on the hush hush don't yer know,,, ssshhhhhh.
Loved it dear boy, loved it.
Obi.
Thank you...
dear boy, you've made my day. I'll see if she will divulge her address, [be careful, what you ask for].
Geezer.
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