Poem Body
Come Halloween night, silent as the grave,
not even crackling of dried dead leaves
will crunch beneath His tread
for He glides, a weightless wraith.
Invisible to the untrained eye
cloaked in the misty deep shadows He waits,
for an innocent to seek passage
on His moonless path of crows and sorrows.
ghosting your steps behind you,
bony fingers caressing your neck,
stealing your most intimate thoughts
putrid breath whispering of your fears and regrets...
welcoming you into His fiery molten embrace,
Halloween night, the Shadow Man will brand and bind you!
* AI see last words section of this form!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Shadow Man!" effectively employs vivid imagery and a strong narrative to create an eerie atmosphere fitting for a Halloween theme. However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved.
Firstly, the rhythm and meter of the poem could be more consistent. The inconsistent line lengths and syllable counts can disrupt the flow of the poem, making it less engaging for the reader. Experimenting with a more consistent meter could improve the overall rhythm and flow of the poem.
Secondly, the use of capitalization in "He", "His", and "Him" is unusual. Unless these pronouns are referring to a deity or a similar figure, it might be more conventional to use lowercase. If the capitalization is intentional, it might be beneficial to provide some context or explanation to avoid confusion.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell. For example, instead of directly stating "Using His powers to read your thoughts", the poem could describe actions or situations that imply this ability. This could make the poem more engaging and allow readers to draw their own conclusions.
Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some refinement, it could be even more effective in conveying its chilling narrative.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Shadow Man
Love it...having seen a few shadow men hanging around, they can certainly send chills down ones spine. I can feel your man reaching out and running a bony finger down my neck. Good luck in the competition.
dear Carrie,
thank you for the read and good wishes! I appreciate your time given me >{^*;*^}< Cat
*hugs & the good stuff!
I love this it has mystery
I love this it has mystery and horror all over it. The story behind it drew me in as I read. I love stories in poetry, they always get to me and my imagination and they give me a reality I can build upon.
One tiny issue is the repetition of "weight" in these lines:
will crunch under his weight
for He glides, a weightless wraith.
Can I suggest under his foot or tread, or a floating wraith for avoidance?
Well done, certainly sent chills up my spine. Ruby :) xx
hey Ruby,
you always make useful suggestions. I have employed one of them here. thank you for your generosity :)
* L & H, Cat (and eddy styx)
I was thinking about your
I was thinking about your poem this morning, even before I got on my computer ha ha, I thought about hoof because of the cloven hoof implications. My brain catches up with me overnight in those small dark hours, but I think tread works well too. Thank you, take care, Ruby :) xx
dear Ruby,
thank you for thinking about me by way of my poem, >{^*;*^}< love ya, Cat
Reminds Me of Dracula in My Closet :)
As a kid, my folks often went to the drive-in theater. The second feature was usually horror. My sister and I were told to go to sleep in the back seat. From the time that Dracula with Bela Lugosi was the second feature, Dracula lived in my closet. This poem brings back memories of that childhood terror.
To address Ruby's concern with the use of "weight" twice, I would suggest the following:
will crunch beneath him,
for He glides, a weightless wraith.
Excellent Steve. Ruby :)
Excellent Steve. Ruby :)
dear Steven,
you know I have a hard time addressing you as Steve, but eddy has no such problem. he was the "ghost writer", here ;)
p.s.
Ruby has a good head on her shoulders. I value her opinions.
One More Suggestion
Rather than:
bony fingers caressing your neck,
falling into step close behind you.
try:
ghosting your steps behind you,
bony fingers caressing your neck,
thanks...
your suggestion makes for a smoother read.
*love & hugs, Cat