wesley snow
wesley snow
Jun 22, 2017
This poem is part of the workshop:

Poets first poems

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Sonnet on The Man

Poem Body

O, that the child was ne’er conceived at all
nor yet excessive tell his birthing cries
cast not of God, but else God’s nearest ties.
Without he live, none founder ‘neath the pall.

Mankind in bliss and ne’er to ween the crawl,
despairing of lost joy, lamentful sighs
of liberty so failed no hopes disguise
the base unyielding curse of his enthrall.

White Gods of Hell in lapse for he did come!
Pale traitors felled betraying Dire Prince
held bleak aloft in dark the faltered chain.

Hope winnowed from despair as man succumb.
A Doom lain cold, hard met nor lighter since
and Blight at Ends Of All shall be his reign.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Here then is my second oldest poem. It is the lead in for my epic poem Caco, Man of the Morning Star. It is now twelve years old which is not terribly old, but I came to poetry late in life, so this is for me a very old poem. At the time I had to look up the rules for what made a sonnet a sonnet. I knew nothing. When you read it you are not supposed to know anything about the story (which is now thirty thousand lines or more). Just read it as the opening work of a much larger story.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Southern California, USA

Favorite Poets: Tolkien, Byron, Longfellow, Shakespeare, Dr. Suess, Elizabeth Browning, Robert Browning, Dickinson

More from this author

Comments

Keith Logan

it is a sonnet alright. A Petrarchan Sonnet at that. Not the easier Shakespearian style. Quite a dark piece overall. Excellent for a first or second try at the form. I like the old world feel to the piece. My only suggestion:
White Gods of Hell that lapses as he comes!
Hope winnowed from despair as man succumbs.

jane210660

it's a pretty heavy piece for an early poem.
Not a simple write to follow, but some sterling imagery.
Jx

Candlewitch

I agree with Jane. this is quite intricate for a first poem. I don't know sonnets very well. but I know a work of beauty when I see it. the imagery is stunning. it makes a lasting impression on the reader.

always, Cat

weirdelf

to my favourite descriptor of poetry 'compression of meaning'. One can seldom get them at first reading. It helps a little to know the conventions of their structure, including the volta. Yet they are seldom expository or explicit.

This is pretty damn good, Wesley. But you know I never did finish reading "Caco, Man of the Morning Star", or Byron's "Don Juan" for that matter. I like 'em short.