Step-drama

I feel the cave in
The sudden shift under proverbial foot
When all the hard learned lessons
& the calm wisdom, goodwill & resilience I built up as my “self”
(“Who am I?”)
give way, & I tumble, flailing
into the seething abyss of past hurt, loss
& sense of being wronged
Without forewarning
without defense
or ANY kind of sensibility
Overwhelm pours into every cell
I could ‘pop’ …at any contact
the tears & snot & toddler wailing burgeoning under tight red skin
We do our dance “It isn’t fair”
…& she in her own space of overwhelm & pain
A plump companion she hugs close & defends from any chance of separation
My heart aches for her choice of comfort
& from her prickly “Push-me-pull-you” interactions
Neither of us feel safe
Both feel abandoned & bereft
Yet cultivate layers of impenetrable membrane
It filters out the love & good intention I know we both
Hold up like white flags of truce.
Dear one, I wish you well.
I am grieved that you were witness to my own pain in a vulnerable moment
& more-so that you saw it as an affront to your own drama & turmoil.
I feel so feeble in the face of your resentment & judgement
& all I want to offer you is love untainted
Care that reaches you in strength & empowers you to move forward
I curse the tentative fashion of my offering
the remorse I feel at failing to reach you with intended goodness… again
How I hate this step-drama.