lonlyhrtsclub13
lonlyhrtsclub13
Feb 27, 2018
This poem is part of the workshop:

Sunku: beyond rhyme and rhythm, search for new structures in short form

(Read More...)

Sunku 9

Poem Body

Lonely
In a room
Even when not

Time
Moving slow
Empty walls

Drift apart
Daunted
Unknown

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison, Rudyard Kipling, Hermann Hesse, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Jack London, Stephen King, there are many more....

More from this author

Comments

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 1 month ago

Great poem!
I am thinking about the last stanza.
Haiku has often unexpected and surprising ending.
Maybe we should use this approach in Sunku as well.

lonlyhrtsclub13

I tried hard with this one to stay in form. How did I do?

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 1 month ago

In reply to by lonlyhrtsclub13

Lonely
In a room
Even when not

This stanza is brilliant , love it
For the second one , try this maybe?

Time moves
slowly
Empty walls

We drift
apart and
still connected

OR

Time moves
slowly
we drift apart

It hurts
because we
are connected

Or for the third stanza

We are
on a bitter
side of love

For the name maybe I suggest
bitterness?

R

Well... from what i read ...one is allowed to compromise to an extent in the syllabi count. You have in fact not exceeded but shortened it...

.....

lonlyhrtsclub13

lonlyhrtsclub13

7 years 1 month ago

In reply to by raj

If we could mix syllables around. I thought it was very uniformed

R

That's what I read somewhere...not sure....checkout with IRiz/Weirdelf
.....