original
Ask me no more: the moon may draw the sea
The cloud may stoop from heaven and take the shape
With fold to fold, of mountain or of cape;
But O too fond, when have I answer'd thee?
Ask me no more.
Ask me no more: what answer should I give?
I love not hollowed cheek or faded eye:
Yet, O my friend, I will not have thee die!
Ask me no more, lest I should bid thee live;
Ask me no more.
Ask me no more: thy fate and mine are seal'd:
I strove against the stream and all in vain;
Let the great river take me to the main;
No more, dear love, for at a touch I yield;
Ask me no more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My version
Don't ask again: the moon may pull the tide,
the cloud may drop from heaven, take the shape
to wrap the mountainside, cover cape,
but oh my love, to you I've never lied.
Don't ask again.
Don't ask again: response I cannot give.
I hate your sunken cheeks and faded eye,
yet, oh my friend, I don't want you to die.
Don't ask again, lest I demand you live.
Don't ask again.
Don't ask again: our lives are set by fate.
I fought, in vain, against mortality.
Now let the River float us to the Sea.
No more, dear love, for at a touch I'll break.
Don't ask again.
.
Comments
Hi Judy
In stanza 1&2, I noticed that the end of the 1st line rhymes with the fourth line. In that last stanza it didn't follow the same pattern. "fate" doesn't rhymes with "break". Apart from that I think you did well.
Alid
hi Alid
The rhyme scheme Tennyson used is abbaR cddcR effeR - R denoting the repetition of the first four syllables (two feet) of the first verse
I followed this rhyme scheme, and claim slant (assonance) rhyme for the verses you mention.
Although Tennyson used pure rhyme in his poem, it is not a fixed form per se (as for example, a sonnet) so allowed, I think.....
I actually could've used Tennyson's verses and simply changed 'thy' to 'your', but felt I hadn't changed enough as is, so decided to go the way I did.
Thanks for the read and comment
Love judy
xxx
JudyAnne
what more can I say than perfect a job well done it was a plasure reading your re write
hi Chrys
Thank you so very much for the lovely comment
I was thinking you might think that I hadn't changed enough...
Love judy
xxx
you keep amazing me with your
you keep amazing me with your skill and the ease with which you have transformed the Master's poem with your version keeping the essence in tact...if life would have allowed you to write poetry full time as a profession...surely you would have won many more laurels and fans...
Regards,,
thank you Raj
for the usual very supportive comment from you - you are very kind in your compliments
Love judy
xxx
Judy
From outside of the workshop, this is a well written piece, and is to your usual great standard of writing.
Your version made a twin of the first and was as good if not better understood.
Yours Ian..
Ian
Thank you so very much for the visit and for the lovely comment
Love judy
xxx
Hi MM
Ask not again might also have worked. If I'm not mistaken the idea was to rewrite the poem as if you were writing it. Or at least as if Tennyson were writing now instead of then. Si in my opinion the only thing you really had to stay true to is the message conveyed which leaves a Lot of lee way in how something can be said. e.g.. line 1 could be Ask not again why the moon attracts the sea.
This has been a shop which requires a lot of thought hasn't it? lol. But had I not read Tenny's poem I'd have liked yours just fine....heck i like it just fine anyway . Thou hast done well.
ask not again
is still 'old-fashioned', I think....
lol - if I'd used your first line, the whole context of the write would get confused, if not change.... that is not the question Stan......
Yes, it's an interesting and a fun shop...
thanks for the read and comments
Love judy
xxx