raj
Sep 23, 2018

Then & Now

Poem Body

beneath the carpet
lie loose threads
obscured over time;
but for me
it's my past
gathering dust

I turn it upside down
finding a collage of
bits, pieces, shreds of
high school grades
soft board pins,
phantom stickers,
bandana, guitar strings,
movie ticket for two,
beer crowns,
even a broken tooth.....
a mute witness
to what I was then,
while a ragged mirror reflects
what I am now

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

lovedly

raj this could be like
losing and finding contest worth
i have also modified a bit yet
more shall

R

for reading and sharing your thoughts...yes...it is kind of rediscovering the past and a realization that the past often is relevant to the present...
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IRiz

IRiz

6 years 7 months ago

Interesting write, your metaphors are unique,
Although it is hard to imagine a storm under the carpet how it ends in the frame, I think I just need time to digest it. Have a nice coming week.

R

thanks for reading and your comment...by storm, the protagonist intends the rough times endured by a youth while growing up which were cast aside as bad experience...

do you think blades and shrapnel could be a better alternative? or any other you would like to suggest?

you too have a pleasant week...
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IRiz

Blades of regrets, broken glass of hopes, lost grains of talents that never took off, cut nodes of unresolved, dust of forgotten promises,
emerald beads of dreams, and pearls of good deeds, pearls that reminded you of the ocean where they came from and storms that you want
to mention.

Eumolpus

the idea of lifting an old rub and finding little scraps of your life- and interesting idea, You might find some things- a part of a guitar string, a small screw from a pair of glasses, a painted fingernail from a lover, a roach- (either dead cockroach or marijuana "roach") etc. that might be able to put in a small collage...scrape of papers maybe with a phone number...but why "winning moments"
So for me first you need to establish some physical things one would find under a rug, allow the reader to absorb them within your images, leading us to some conclusion, so we see them as "winning moments" which I assume is a variation of "magic moments"...good stuff in life.
Perhaps it's just the nostalgia that creates that, too. I would keep working at it, it is a voyage of self-discovery..

R

raj

6 years 7 months ago

for engaging with the poem /script and coming up with your thoughts & suggestions...i would certainly take those into consideration and try to find some middle ground....

regards
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S

Nice strong start on this one
you leave a lot to the imagination of the reader

R

for reading and your observation....since those before you have also made a similar comment...i will be trying to bring more clarity...
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R

raj

6 years 7 months ago

when you have time, please see if the revisions are good...
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Eumolpus

but I'm very careful about the word "better" of course. This is your poem and emotions, and when we critique it is with the best intentions, as to how the poem might more resonate with us, the reader.
I really like the direction the poem is taking, a bit more of a list poem with a really important ending, where I feel the poem should end.

a mute witness
to what I was then,
while a ragged mirror reflects
what I am now

The next stanza seems like an afterthought. It tells us too much, does not move ou imagination, and the introduction of Harvard, the most elite school in the world (with Oxford) is a distraction, even if its just a different Harvard. We all have collages we can make off a rug, from the "junk-drawer" , behind the couch etc. So this poem can resonate with the reader, in its way to you.

..

R

i appreciate your coming back with more suggestions...finding them worthwhile I have modified the poem...

thanks again...
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Rula

Rula

6 years 7 months ago

A lovely use of metaphor throughout. I love how you used it for the now , then theme.A clever use I thought.
I see you've good feedback and suggestions so I will be visiting to see where are you going with it.
Good one raj!

S

This poem is magnificent! Didn't read others' comment but I don't recall care. You know I seldom comment without suggest a few changes but this poem.............I'd not change a letter. The accumulation of hints of living being stored beneath a simple rug is wonderful then the ending of comparing the man hinted at and the present man in the mirror.........most excellent. Now I'm gonna read this poem again.........stan

R

many thanks for reading this stuff...and for your comment which is like tonic...good to know you found it worthy of reading again...i take them as browny points for my effort...
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S

know I seldom heap this much praise on a poem but PLEASE make sure you have a hard copy of this in case some computer problem occurs

R

Yes Stan...i know that like a true friend you are honest about your comment which makes your present comment all the more worth while..good to know you found this poem appealing..may be you did relate to it....
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