Poem Body
..wandering around the city streets,
with filth covering your feet,
searching in trashcans for food to eat,
while the sun turns on it's heat..
..you ask for free porridge,
just to make way,
but the grown ups push you away,
and you end up discouraged..
..seeing the sad look in your face,
begging from people with white collared lace,
and as part of your life's phase
they discriminate your race..
..as church goers passed by,
you ask for food or money to buy,
but alas they only show their anger,
and not bother much of your hunger..
..stuck with yesterdays dream,
a drunkard father,
a hooker for a mother,
thinking tomorrow might never come..
Comments
A powerful poem, arja
I could make several criticisms on meter, but don't choose to. This is a simple expression without contrived craft and it carries the truth.
The world needs more poets like you who tell necessary truths. It might not get read at the Unite Nations, but it will be read here, by other poets who will feel you honesty and emotion and that will affect other people as well.
This is the first poem of yours I have read but I see talent and look forward to more of your work. Welcome.
..i am indeed honoured to
..i am indeed honoured to have you comment on this piece.. & with such, thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts here...
Hi Arja!
I was happy to be browsing through the stream and finding your poem. I agree with Jess about the potential for being more craftsmans-like but again like him, I agree some topics don't need embellishment. Fine work, dripping with truth.
Ron
hi, ron! thanks for inspiring
hi, ron! thanks for inspiring me to write something about the truth in what I see.. I noticed realities are blinded by society, to escape from such responsibilities.. i could go on and on..but I know scenes like this are epidemic world wide.. thanks for always being supportive.. :)
Arja
A look into some peoples reality, we in the Western world most times never come across such pictures, this is why I asked of you to write of other worlds..
TV makes things unreal and our children think that what they see on the news about other countries are made in the studios where they make films..
Nothing is real any more so we need to show the pictures from where we are..Yours Ian.T
..oh yeah, my apologies,
..oh yeah, my apologies, thanks for giving me the idea for writing! I believe most of what's being seen on TV are caused by miscommunication / misinterpretation between countries.. what's sad is the consequences after and the collateral damage it has done..a famous Filipino writer once said "..children are the symbol of our future and we should nurture them tp grow as responsible individuals.."..that was Jose Rizal, though not exactly his specific words but he made a point.
Arja
There is no need for any apologies for anything, we are writers and what is at the end of our pens is for ever, mine was just a suggestion for you.
Will keep your writing in my eyes, yours, Ian
Arja
''Tomorrow may never come'' is my favorite of your poems. I can really see this poor soul living in this environment. How sad people actually live this way in the day and time. Things will only get worse before time come to its end. I see nothing to criticize here. I enjoy reading
Wow, I am again flattered.
Wow, I am again flattered..hope it does not get into my head. heartfelt thank you..
Hi Arja
I agree with the previous comments - your writing is vivid in its delivery and honestly tells the whole truth. Sadly the world is full of discrimination and injustice - it is particularly hard to bare when children are the victims. I winced when I read stanza four because, as is so often the case, it is those who are "highly religious" that are the cruellest. ( shame on them ).
You have laid out your heart and the heart of your people here Arja - this is a potent and powerful poem!
Love Mand xxxxx
warm thanks Mand! Glad to
warm thanks Mand! Glad to hear from you.. the most important things in life are faith, hope and love.. but most people don't care unless its something they could trade in for silver and gold..
what everyone else said
A powerful write
I do have a few suggestions to perhaps smooth it out a little
stanza 1 verse 3...drop the 'in'
Stanza 2 verse 3 ...try 'but the adults ignore you' as you have 'away' very close to 'way' in the previous verse and the same rhyme pulls up the read a bit
stanza 3 verse 1... 'seeing the sad look' maybe change to 'a sad look' (for rhythm)
Stanza 4 verse 1 ...change 'passed' to 'pass' to keep the tense the same as the other stanzas
stanza 4 verse 4 ... try 'and have not a care for your hunger' (for rhythm)
Love judy
Xxx