Mount the flying bridge
Sea mountain buries fo’c’sle
Salt spray drenches me.
Stern breaks from water
Prop revolves unimpeded
Entire ship vibrates.
Bow hangs o'er wave edge
Crashes into tossing sea
Feel it judder in.
Walk the passageway
Sense yourself rise rapidly
Eyes say you did not.
Climb berthing ladder
Both hands gripping the handrails
Time last step with rise.
Climb into your rack
Shutter your eyes to the lie
Stomach gets a break.
Last Few Words: I spent two years aboard the USS Garcia, which included two Mediteranean cruises. This is based upon the Atlantic crossing.
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses vivid imagery and sensory language to immerse the reader in the experience of being on a ship in heavy seas. The use of nautical terminology adds authenticity and specificity to the poem, which can enhance the reader's engagement.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of poetic devices such as metaphor, simile, or personification. While the second line of the first stanza ("Sea mountain buries fo’c’sle") is a strong metaphor, the rest of the poem largely relies on direct description. Incorporating more figurative language could add depth and richness to the poem.
The rhythm and pacing of the poem could also be improved. The poem currently uses a free verse structure with varying line lengths and syllable counts. While this can be effective, in this case it occasionally disrupts the flow of the poem. Experimenting with more consistent syllable counts or rhythmic patterns could enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging to read.
Lastly, the poem could explore the emotional or psychological aspects of the experience more deeply. While the physical sensations and actions are clearly described, the poem doesn't fully delve into the speaker's emotional response to the situation. Adding this layer could make the poem more relatable and impactful for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Dear Steven,
I could not make that trip if I were seaman. My eyes are attached to my stomach! I would be barfing the whole trip. But I am in awe that you have made those crossings. Your title fits the poem. Your language usage is superb. A lot of words I do not know and will look up. I love the matter-of-fact tone of this piece. Good luck on the contest! I think you have a good chance!
*hugs, Cat
Thanks!
My inner ear and my eyes were at war much of the time that we were underway. The worst was when the boiler techs overfilled the day tank with diesel fuel and flooded the IC shop. I had to strip the linoleaum from the floor while the whole compartment reeked of diesel fuel. I could handle that only in small doses.
U.S.S. Gracia
Hello, Steve,
A different world, here. This poem uses all the senses to help describe something most of us know little about. Off I went to the www to learn the history of fo'c'sle. Interesting! And I really like the way the poem takes us along the task. I feel the sensation of the waves - great imagery. I noticed that this was Eastern - multiple haiku? 5.7.5? It looks like S2,L1 has 6 syllables, as does S3, L1. (I think...)
Excellent poetry across the wild Atlantic. (And many thanks for your service, too.)
L
Thank you!
You were correct on those two lines. I've corrected them. Thanks.
It is a different world. Unless you are a naval aficionado or have been to sea as more than just a passenger, much of it is hidden. I spent two years aboard ship while in the Navy and the culture permeates your being. It took a good six months after I left active duty for most of its grip on me to be erased. Not all of it, though. I still use terms and phrases that have their origins in my navy days.
Thank you for reading, the wonderful comment, and catching my mistakes.