IRiz
IRiz
Nov 20, 2018

The Usual Picture

Poem Body

Quiet dawn.
Snow snores through the black nostrils.
Alder cones are scattered all over.

A few paw-steps. Something urgent
forced the animals out to gallop and dive back
in a warm coziness of dens and burrows.

Weed-stalks tremble, what is left of them.
After the storm, wind is still strong.
In the tangled thicket, empty feeders swing and turn.

Only one figure is on her route
to leave another flower to wilt on her bench,
to say another word to her late lover
and quickly come back.

Cold feet. Warm blanket.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Washington DC, USA

Favorite Poets: Matsuo Bashō, Sylvia Plath, Charles Bukowski, TS Eliot, William Carlos Williams, Joseph Brodsky, Boris Pasternak, DH Lawrence, Robert Frost

More from this author

Comments

gregwa8

"snow snores through the black nostrils." love the poetry. have missed reading people's magical descriptions as I've been away for a short time.

Race_9togo

I start reading...
....
....
...
...and resurface after that timeless interval all good poetry steeps me in.
Excellent poem.

Geezer

the beginnings of a snow storm here. I was going to ask "black nostrils" of what? but you answered that already. Just thinking that the average reader isn't going to know that. Maybe you could re-phrase your portrayal of the animals jumping back into their warm burrows? It sounds like they were forced out of their burrows to gallop and then dive back in. How about; Something urgent in the wind, drove the animals back to their warm and cozy dens? What is left of the weed stalks tremble? Just ideas, your to use if you wish. ~ Geezer.
.

IRiz

Hi Geezer,
Thank you for reading.
Counting for an average reader to understand your poem is counterproductive.
I appreciate your help, but what you suggested would bring the emphasis on "something in the wind" , which I don't want.
Your understanding of the poem is not complete. The main focus is the last stanza,
a figure who is the first to appear to visit the empty memorial bench of her late husband.
It is not a piece describing snow after the storm.
Black is used for many reasons, perhaps to underline its melting, to hint on the lack of permanence.
The animals are mentioned to draw a parallel with human, what made the figure to leave her home and visit that bench?
They run out and return, she says her words and goes back to everyday life ---- it is a usual story.
Real feelings, drama of life are never loud, and usually conveyed by small details.

Although often superficial, your reading is still important to me. Thank you for correcting my English and providing yet one more humbling experience. It is hard to write a poem that doesn't yell and curse but is intended to shake.

Sincerely yours, always happy to read your words, Irene

Geezer

are never meant to humble. How trite and trivial I have made what is obviously a meaningful work to you, sound! I only meant to say that the way you phrased it, it sounded like something had routed the animals from their warm and cozy burrows, and I wondered what? ~ Geezer.
.

R

raj

6 years 5 months ago

a good beginning and touching finesse to this short documentary with a fine script..made me think if "The Bigger Picture" could have been the title...
........................................................................................

IRiz

Thank you Raj,
For thinking and trying to help.
The bigger picture is a standard frase I am trying to avoid in my poetry.
The word usual in the title implies the everydayness, the apparent simplicity of a real unique passion.
Thank you for reading again.

lovedly

I live in snows for six months
have plenty of black snow
slipped often
but
black nose ala nostrils
wow what a comparison
poetry is this
now hence forward
I shall only read
my mind has since aged
indeed

zebra

zebra

6 years 5 months ago

a wilted flower can pierce the heart
nice write!