Poem Body
My ardor is vast for the
darkness which I worship!
vampires, wolves,
all the creatures of the night
down to the lowliest Bat!
Sitting on my garden swing,
contemplating these things,
searching the heavens
for a constellation
I might claim for my own.
He found me!
Entered my patio
on a whim,
or so I thought...
Truth be told,
He'd been watching
me for weeks!
Instead of saying hello;
He recited a poem
of His own,
of devotion, tenderness,
and yearning...
I wept!
as He revealed His secret
true nature being
Vampiric...
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Vampire 1" presents an intriguing exploration of darkness and the supernatural. The use of imagery and personification is effective in creating a vivid and atmospheric setting. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
The first stanza sets up an interesting premise, with the speaker expressing a fascination for creatures of the night. However, the inclusion of the earthworm, which is not typically associated with darkness or the supernatural, is a bit jarring. It might be more effective to stick with creatures that are more traditionally associated with the night or the macabre.
The transition from the first to the second stanza is somewhat abrupt. It might be beneficial to provide more context or build-up to the arrival of the vampire. The revelation that the vampire had been watching the speaker for weeks could be foreshadowed earlier in the poem to create a sense of suspense.
The use of capitalization in referring to the vampire as 'He' is a good way to emphasize the importance of this character. However, the shift from the speaker's perspective to the vampire's perspective in the second stanza is a bit confusing. It might be clearer to maintain a consistent point of view throughout the poem.
The final lines of the poem, where the vampire reveals his true nature, could be more impactful. The use of words like 'devotion', 'tenderness', and 'yearning' are somewhat at odds with the dark and ominous tone established earlier in the poem. It might be more effective to use language that reinforces the vampire's supernatural and potentially menacing nature.
Overall, the poem has a compelling concept and some effective use of imagery, but could benefit from more consistent tone and point of view, as well as more effective use of suspense and foreshadowing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Hello Cat
Hi Cat. I loved the idea behind this but as I read, particularly the second half I felt as if you were holding something back. I would have loved more malevolence. Alex
hey Alex
I will be working on this piece today for improvement I will see what I can do to add to the intensity. thank you for reading and leaving me a comment ;) I appreciate your thoughts. thank you!
*hugs, Cat
Dark animalistic traits
I’ve always thought the human obsession with these creatures of the night is born of the fascination or inability to grasp the dark parts of our own psyche. The ability to identify with certain traits makes it easier to embrace our darker corners.
Glad to be reading your writing again
Nice job,
Tim
Dear Tim,
I think you are right, lol. I have eddy styx. he grants me consultation on this dark pieces I attempt.
It is good to see you, too! I hope you are well?
*hugs, Cat
Vampire 1
Hello, Cat,
Smooth guy, reciting poetry. Love the emotion in "I wept."
Thank you!
Lx
(Will there be a Vampire II?)
Dearest Lavender,
Thank you for reading and commenting. there will be a Vampire II. right after I fix this poem, lol.
*hugs, Cat